Monday, November 17, 2008

A moment to reflect...

Tomorrow, the 18th marks the day that I have not been looking forward to for the past year. It marks the last day that I ever felt the little pitter patter of Jackson's feet. It marks the last day that I actively felt baby "b" moving around and hogging all of the room from baby "a." It marks the beginning of me becoming a mommy starting a very long, sometimes painful, mostly rewarding journey. Today I actually miss the feeling of being pregnant. I have three very close friends (sorry, still top secret) that have shared their upcoming blessings. It reminds me of the different events of being pregnant.

I remember Bronson's personality (baby "a") as being the quite sleeper of the two. Jackson (baby "b") was our active one. I actually found out that he was a boy at 15 weeks because he wouldn't stop putting his little bottom up to the ultrasound to show off. It is hard to explain how you can bond with a baby that you never were able to physically hold or get to know, yet I feel that I distinctly felt his personality. Today I made a huge step towards letting my heart be mended.

Bronson has decided that one of his very favorite toys is my preemie cabbage patch doll. He carries it all over the place. He especially loves to hold it and pat the head while his daddy holds him. Mom commented that if he was going to be carrying a doll around, it might be better if he were dressed like a boy. I thought for a minute and then decided that there was really no reason to keep an outfit for a baby that was transformed into a beautiful body in heaven. I decided to let Bronson have his doll dressed in what would be Jackson's coming home outfit. For some reason this brought such peace over me. Bronson checked out his baby very seriously and then looked at the hat and pulled it off and laid a big smooch on his head. I love that he is so loving. I also love that my manly husband doesn't seem to mind that his baby boy loves dolls. He said that it only is teaching him to be loving to another baby. I also must add that it teaches him to one day be a kind and loving daddy. This small moment was so intensely healing for me.

I plan on keeping myself busy this week. I am trying not to dwell on our loss, but rather our gain. Bronson is such a blessing. Jackson's short life on earth in my tummy is also a blessing. We were once told that we may never have kids, so who I am I to complain of having just one to raise. I feel overly blessed that I once had two and got to feel the movement of these two little ones growing inside me. I still miss my baby, but I guess I just have to continue to think happy thoughts to get through this sad week.