The night of October 16, 2015, I sat on the closet floor of my master bedroom held in the arms of my husband. On earth, he is my rock! As he began to speak truth over my life and explain that I needed to allow myself to fully feel each and every emotion; I knew that he also wanted a reprieve from the constant waves of anger that seem to slip so easily from my mouth.
Crying becomes the hardest thing to do sometimes. I know that I have written about this before in my Major Meltdown or when I blogged about my tears in heaven. I am guilty of giving myself headaches from holding back the tears. Why is it so hard to admit that I am sad and that I miss my sister? I miss the fact that I can’t just pick up the phone and call her about “stupid” stuff anymore. I shared at her funeral that the verse that played repeatedly in my head after her death is that, Jesus wept. The shortest, but one of the strongest verses in the bible. He knew pure sadness and did not hold back.
As my husband held me through my melt down on the six-month anniversary of losing my sister he said the following statement that has allowed me so much freedom lately, “Even if we are sitting in this exact same place and you are feeling this exact same way, it is okay. It is okay to feel, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to cry. Stop scheduling your time to grief, stop allowing yourself only Thursdays, the 16ths of each month, or special occasions. Feel this fully.”
Yesterday after a fitful night of sleep and feeling as if even the slightest comment could break the dam of tears I climbed into the bath at 5pm and later fell into bed in a full fledge fit of tears. As my massage therapist suggested I laid face down and let myself completely feel the loss. Kyle came in and spoke words of love and encouragement to me, but also realized that I needed to just feel the heartache. You cannot truly feel the loss of someone unless you allow yourself to have some quiet moments. I also realized that my anger isn’t directed at God, but at the fact that the world is full of sin and that Jesus has so much more work for us to finish before He returns.
As I continue my break from Facebook and focus on the things that I need; more time in the word, more time with my family, more coffee with friends, and time to reflect I might find myself with more puffy eyes, but I won’t apologize for unscheduled times for tears.