Monday, June 28, 2010

He is 2 1/2 today!

1st movie, Toy Story 3
Summer Cruise
Father's Day 2010
Attempting the water slide
Waiting in line at VBS
Riding the tractor at Auntie Jill's


Our big boy is 2 1/2 years old today! He has been up to some pretty exciting things. The biggest is that he has slept in his own bed for the last week. It melts my heart when he wakes up and doesn't cry but just walks into my room and says good morning. This morning he woke up at 4:30 and said, "Mama, scoot over please." I don't mind. I love snuggling this little guy. I thought I would share some wonderful pictures of this little man, including his attempt to go down the waterslide at VBS Sunday.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

And so it began...



Standing in our backyard of our first home in June of 2007 where this picture was taken, we had no idea of what laid ahead. I had no clue that I was a "little" pregnant and that in a mere six months I would be a mommy. I felt that the world was at my fingertips. I had a Master's degree from Western Oregon University. We had just sold our home, we had plans to build a new one, and I had a great job at Western Community Policing Institute. Life was good!

It is amazing what six months can change. For most of my pregnancy we lived over the garage of a new home in the Edwards addition and then just weeks before the delivery of Bronson moved into a new home in Dallas. It wasn't exactly what Kyle had hoped for, but it was home and the best situation for us. Life was changing and when we signed the papers of this home we thought we would be bringing home two little boys and needed every spare penny. It was later discovered that we needed every spare penny to pay for all of our medical bills. It was the BEST decision we ever made to buy something at the bottom of our budget.

Life has been hard these past couple of years. I think next to the pregnancy situation it was a major blow to be laid off from the grant funded job. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and have continued to pray for a door to be opened for me in my career path. It hasn't been easy leaving Bronson 40 hours a week, but I know that he is doing well and being loved on each minute that we are gone. We are so blessed with great family and friends to take care of our little boy. I have struggled with guilt over not being a full-time SAHM, but I also believe that it is not my calling. I was lucky to be able to have almost 18 months home with him.

A GREAT door just opened for me. Praise the Lord! I just learned that I will be starting work at Western Oregon University on June 30th. Almost exactly 3 years since I walked in the ceremonies for my Master's degree. It is my dream job! I get to work in the academic world again and with some great people. WOU's campus is so wonderful in the summer and I can't wait to begin.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Process

Many of you may not know that Kyle and I minored in Health in college. One of the classes that we both took for this requirement was a class on children and grief. I recently came across a paper that I had written my Junior year of college that talked about the loss of a child. It was haunting reading the words that I had written just years before I would suffer that exact loss. My writing was so innocent, yet so empathetic. At that time in my life I actually believed that nothing like that would ever touch me because Kyle's family had already suffered enough loss. Who are we to question how much is too much?

Lately I have been processing. I realize that I will never be the same again. I get tired easier. I am more sensitive to some things and less obsessed with others. I still enjoy a clean house, but don't stress when it becomes trashed in mere minutes from my two year old. I am once again in the process of restraint with tears. My last good cry was a week ago when I had the house all to myself. I stayed up that night reading blogs and watching videos about other families that had experienced NICU or stillbirth. For some reason I didn't feel as selfish crying for others as I do for crying for my own loss. Believe me when I say that NICU is also a big loss.

In May I was able to attend a wonderful Women's retreat with my church. Incredibly God always knows which group that I need to be in. I was once again placed with an older woman in my church that understands my journey and has a lot to add to it. We were also placed with a new woman that started sharing her experience of having her first born die after birth. My dear friend that will remain nameless on this blog reached over to hold my hand and gave me permission to cry. This gesture was so kind and even if I just allowed a few small tears to be shed, it did relieve some of my pent up hurt. I feel that my best cry spells are the tears that I am able to shed for others. This is just all part of the process.

I have struggled lately with writing this blog. My husband doesn't understand why you would want to put all of your personal thoughts on the Internet for one to see. I finally have a response. If I can help just one person by relating to my story than there is reason to share these thoughts. I just allowed myself to read a very personal blog and it was amazing how much her journey mirrored ours. I immediately wrote the woman an email to tell her thank you. Her blog did help me to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed for not "being over it." I am still a mom and have permission to take all the time I need to process the loss of mothering both of my boys.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Exhaustion

Tonight is a night that I sit alone in my house enjoying the silence. I listen to my favorite types of music on my I-pod and take a few minutes to catch up on facebook. I am exhausted. I have the entire evening to myself yet I can't find the energy to muster much of anything. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. Life has been going by too fast lately and I find myself needing to take a moment to slow down. When Kyle offered to give me the night free I felt guilty for needing it after our weekend away last weekend, but I truly need it. I think that it has probably been over 3 years since I have had a good night's sleep.

Today marks the day that 3 years ago I became pregnant. (Hopefully not too much information) It is crazy to think that it has only been 3 years. So many blessings have came our way since June of 2007. Our biggest was the birth of our tiny little boy. I am amazed on a daily basis how smart our little man is. I am taking the night to reflect on how great God is. Kyle and I have had some tough things come our way, but we are so fortunate to share the same faith and be able to pray and stick together throughout life's trials. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend. It seems like he reads me so well. I know that he really wanted to work on his car tonight, but I also think that he knew that I needed a solid night of sleep. We are working on transitioning Bronson into his own bed and so far things are going much better than I expected. He doesn't fight the bed as long as mommy agrees to lay in his toddler bed with him.

My one word title for tonight's blog is exactly how I feel. I actually feel like I am in a time warp with interrupted sleep. I actually fell asleep on the couch last night at 6:30. Kyle let me sleep while he cleaned the entire upstairs. I just couldn't function anymore. It is hard getting no more than 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. I think I am finally getting to a point in my life that I require more sleep. I will continue to pray that my little man makes a smooth transition into his own bed. I do have to count my blessings; he started each night in his own bed this week.

Please continue to keep our family in your prayers as we make some huge transitions and changes. We are so thankful for the opportunity for change!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

We took a vacation...

Bronson's special cup


It appears that I actually missed a whole month of blogging. I don't really have anything exciting to use for an excuse, so I will just be honest. I didn't have the time. The transition to working full-time has been a difficult one. I feel that we have finally got a rhythm down that is working for our family and part of that routine is limited computer time. Did I mention that we no longer have satellite in our house either? That has been one of the best financial and family decisions that we have made in a long time. I haven't even missed having the TV around. I will admit that I still watch my two favorite shows via the web, but only if I have the time. Sometimes a week or two might go by before I find the time.

I am taking the time to treasure my family and spend quality time with them. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive husband and find myself thanking God hourly for the blessing of being Bronson's mommy. My life sometimes feels that it can't possibly be anymore blessed. Kyle and I are enjoying the ups and downs of parenting a two year old and learning a lot about each other and ourselves. Parenting has been the most difficult job that I have ever been blessed to have. I just continue to remember that I am parenting for the future and I want my son to grow up with two important things, love for Jesus and love for his family.

Daddy and Bronson at zoo
The girls with Bronson
Our family
Celebrating Papa Cookie's 89th Birthday

To support the title of this blog I must mention that we just got back from a fantastic vacation to Sunriver. I always enjoy our time spent there and it is nice to be able to have weekend to spend with just adults. I enjoy the extra time that I get to spend with Kyle without interruptions. Our little boy has quite the vocabulary and tends to be in the phase of commanding the conversation a lot.

Here is some recent information about Bronson (I know that I am forgetting a ton):
  • Weight is still around 27 pounds
  • He has HUGE feet, size 8 to 9
  • He can pedal his bike and thinks he can swim
  • Loves movies Toy Story, Chipmunks, and his new favorite The Brave Little Toaster referred to as the Vacuum Show
  • Has the following phrases that he says often: i no like that, I am daddy's baby, hold the baby, that is disgusting, are you going to the gym?, I want to ride the gator, go to bed, and pretty much anything else. These are just some of his favorite repeated phrases.
  • Apparently he told his YAYA that something was just terrible this weekend. The things this kid comes up with.
  • He also says that he is "2 years old." I don't know why but it is no longer just 2.
  • This little boy loves his family a ton, but also loves to give us a hard time by saying I don't like so and so or that he doesn't want kisses. Seconds later he will body slam you with hugs and kisses.
I love this little guy beyond words, but will say parenting is quite the test of patience and love. I continue to think of the beginning of my favorite verse, "Love is patient." A reminder to myself!!!!