Many of you may not know that Kyle and I minored in Health in college. One of the classes that we both took for this requirement was a class on children and grief. I recently came across a paper that I had written my Junior year of college that talked about the loss of a child. It was haunting reading the words that I had written just years before I would suffer that exact loss. My writing was so innocent, yet so empathetic. At that time in my life I actually believed that nothing like that would ever touch me because Kyle's family had already suffered enough loss. Who are we to question how much is too much?
Lately I have been processing. I realize that I will never be the same again. I get tired easier. I am more sensitive to some things and less obsessed with others. I still enjoy a clean house, but don't stress when it becomes trashed in mere minutes from my two year old. I am once again in the process of restraint with tears. My last good cry was a week ago when I had the house all to myself. I stayed up that night reading blogs and watching videos about other families that had experienced NICU or stillbirth. For some reason I didn't feel as selfish crying for others as I do for crying for my own loss. Believe me when I say that NICU is also a big loss.
In May I was able to attend a wonderful Women's retreat with my church. Incredibly God always knows which group that I need to be in. I was once again placed with an older woman in my church that understands my journey and has a lot to add to it. We were also placed with a new woman that started sharing her experience of having her first born die after birth. My dear friend that will remain nameless on this blog reached over to hold my hand and gave me permission to cry. This gesture was so kind and even if I just allowed a few small tears to be shed, it did relieve some of my pent up hurt. I feel that my best cry spells are the tears that I am able to shed for others. This is just all part of the process.
I have struggled lately with writing this blog. My husband doesn't understand why you would want to put all of your personal thoughts on the Internet for one to see. I finally have a response. If I can help just one person by relating to my story than there is reason to share these thoughts. I just allowed myself to read a very personal blog and it was amazing how much her journey mirrored ours. I immediately wrote the woman an email to tell her thank you. Her blog did help me to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed for not "being over it." I am still a mom and have permission to take all the time I need to process the loss of mothering both of my boys.
