Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving 2010

We had to change our plans last minute this year and stay on this side of the mountain for Thanksgiving. Kyle and I were both bummed that we couldn't make it over to see Grandpa Kerfoot, but believe that everything worked out pretty well. We spent the day with my mom and sisters, Alexis and Austin. We had a wonderful meal and lots of cuddling with our two adorable kiddos. Bronson and Olivia love each other so much and I enjoy watching them develop their skills of imagination and play. We decided to take advantage of an empty nice house and are staying the weekend at Ann and Bill's while they are gone. Their house is so cozy and warm and has TV. I don't know if I have mentioned before they we have not had TV in our house for over a year. I really don't miss it except on loooonnnnggg weekends. It is nice to be able to veg out and relax without committing to watching a 2 hour movie.

This is also the first year in quite some time that I will not be shopping. I honestly have not missed it at all. I love shopping with my wonder MIL, but sometimes it is nice to not have to deal with the crowds and chaos. Tonight will be a little hectic because I have to travel with Black Friday traffic up to Portland to pick up my little sister, Ashley. She will be moving in with us for the next little while as she is pregnant with my nephew due at the end of April. We are excited to be able to have She She back in Oregon and thankful that we are in a position to be able to help her out. She will also be helping us out with watching Bronson a couple of days a week. We are so thankful for our life and the many blessings that we have seen in 2010!
Aunties holding our lovies

Their true personalities

My guys biting their lips while watching TV

Cousins Thanksgiving 2010

Alexis and Amber 2010

Beautiful table Thanksgiving 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Into His Arms

Dear Sweet Angel of Mine,

Several days of the year I am reminded of your presence. I can say that I am at a point in my daily life that I can go a day without dwelling on you not being here. I used to feel selfish if a day didn't go by that you weren't my first thought. I imagine you looking down from above and being proud that we have all made it so far in such little time. I will NEVER get over the loss of being able to raise you, but I do believe that there must have been bigger plans for you. We have always thought of you as Bronson's hero. I know that the ultrasound tech would have never been concerned over Bronson's heart if they hadn't known what had happened to you just weeks before.

Speaking of Bronson. He is such a joy to me. It delights me when he mentions that he has a brother. He is very excited to be having a new cousin. Your Auntie Ashley is having a little boy. There is not a day that goes by that we don't pray for her health and the safe and full-term delivery of her little baby. Bronson asked for two brothers for Christmas. I guess part of his wish came true...he will have a little boy to hang out with.

We still haven't decided when and if we will be having more kiddos. As I have already said, Bronson fills our hearts with so much love and joy that I sometimes wonder if I can possibly fit anymore in. I know for a fact that I can, because I love you just as much. It is a different kind of love. I never have to fear for you. I know exactly where you are and I rest assured that you are safe in His arms. I do not have to tell you to rest in peace, because I know that you are in heaven. Someday I will see you, but for now I will spend my days taking care of your little brother.

Love always,

Mommy

From March of Dimes

I am wearing my purple today to raise awareness of prematurity. Here is a very helfpul article from March of Dimes.    http://www.marchofdimes.com/Baby/loss_neonataldeath.html

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

November Neverland: November 17th Blog

Somewhere between my conscience and nocturnal state I daydreamed of a place that was before. I dreamed of a place stopped in November. (A state of semi-reality) I dreamt of a happily ever after. I dreamt that I was putting clothes away in a dresser. There were several sets of doubles. I wasn’t spending the week after my twin-shower thinking of ways to explain to all the guests that their gifts would be for one instead of two. I was eagerly looking forward to the future of two. I was thinking about two in school, sports, and even two going to the prom. I was dreaming about the could of’s, should of’s, and would of’s. That is the reality…I was dreaming.


I wish at times that I could bottle up time in a capsule and slowly move the clock back. In my purely conscience state I am hesitant at sounding selfish and asking for more. Is it too much to ask to be able to have both of my sons? Is it too soon to pray that someday in the near future I can try my hand again at having a healthy pregnancy?

I express my feelings on this day to raise awareness of prematurity and infant mortality. I have experienced both prematurity and stillbirth. I don’t begin to know the exact feelings of anyone that has also shared these experiences. I just happen to know that with the festivities and joy of bringing your preemie home come some harsh realities. There are times that you feel time has been stolen from you. You may be like me and relish in the joy of having your baby home for so long and striving to be the perfect mom that you later realize that you have forgotten to take adequate time to grief. Grief is a normal process for both the loss of a child, but also the loss of a normal pregnancy.

I firmly believe that the experience of being a NICU mommy or daddy can traumatically affect you. Bronson was over a year old before I sought professional help for the heavy feelings that I was having. I began reading several books about the after-math of NICU and realized that many moms like me suffered from PTSD. Before Bronson’s birth I had never experienced anything more horrifying than realizing that my child would have to be staying at the hospital after I was discharged. I never doubted that he was in capable hands, but let’s be honest who sets out to have a baby and not be able to bring them home right away?

The first few weeks of Bronson’s stay in the NICU I would cry whenever I watched another set of parents enter the mommy/baby wing with an infant car seat. I had some major anger at not being able to bring my baby home. I counted down the days until I could scoop up my little one and bring him home. I will say that when this day came I thought all my troubles would be over. I don’t know why I was so na├»ve, but I really thought I would be completely better once he was home. Boy was I wrong. There were several days that I had to call on the help of family and close friends to come and scoop me up so that I could make it through the day.

Nearly three years after the birth of my sons I am stronger. I will never be over the stillborn delivery of our angel Jackson. I will probably always be a little nervous around pregnant woman. (I still am constantly anxious of other women having a premature baby). Yet I know that eventually I will have enough strength to try again. The rewards of being able to raise one of God’s gifts is so amazing that I would honestly say that it sometimes allows me to stay in my little November Neverland.

In November Neverland time doesn’t stand still. It just moves on without the hurdles and heartbreaks. In November Neverland Kyle and I are raising our twin boys and getting ready to celebrate their 3rd birthday. November Neverland has never heard of heartbreak or pain. November Neverland is a state of imagination that I can only go to when I am half asleep because to think about it in the present state causes too much pain. I occasionally long for this kind of peaceful sleep so that I can let myself imagine the reality of having two full-term baby boys.

Twin Bibs: November 11, 2007

One of many sets of twin outfits: Twin Baby Shower November 2007

Monday, November 15, 2010

Terrific and Thirty

In celebration of the fact that my husband turned 30, I threw him a surprise party complete with family and a few close friends. I have been planning this party for several months and was very sure that he would find out somehow, but fortunately I was successful in keeping the secret. It was so great seeing Kyle's face as he drove up to Jim's house and realized that several people had driven hours to come and celebrate his birthday. I feel that everyone in their life deserves opportunities to be the center of attention and get some recognition for being a great person. It was so nice to be able to help Kyle feel so special. All night he kept repeating, "I can't believe that you did this for me." He was also completely shocked to see one of our groomsmen, Aaron Kathman awaiting his arrival. We realized that we hadn't seen Aaron since before I knew I was pregnant with Bronson. Time goes by way too quickly. Another weird factor is that this is the 15th birthday that I have celebrated with Kyle. In tradition of another friend's blog I will list 30 random things about Kyle:

  1. He has the greatest and most sincere smile.
  2. His favorite title in the entire world is daddy.
  3. He loves BBQ. (We made pulled pork sandwiches for the party.)
  4. He has loves old muscle cars. We still have our 1976 Corvette which he is thinking about selling.
  5. The man is the one of the cleanest individuals I have ever known. He requires a new pillowcase every night.
  6. He has never broken a bone in his body.
  7. He gives the best hugs.
  8. If he loves you, you will always know it. He has a huge heart.
  9. He is extremely funny and has a twisted sense of humor. Some of our friends played with this humor for his birthday.
  10. One of his hobbies is anything with guns. If he is involved in a hobby he likes to know EVERYTHING about the hobby.
  11. He can memorize historical facts about very random things.
  12. Kyle is a wonderful husband.
  13. He sometimes stresses too much.
  14. He could win an award for the best work ethic.
  15. He loves his family.
  16. He loves Jesus.
  17. He takes at least two showers per day, sometimes three.
  18. His favorite place to visit is Hawaii.
  19. His hero is his Grandpa Kerfoot.
  20. He has several best friends because he is one of the best friends you will ever know.
  21. He used to ride motorcycles and do stunts. (So glad he doesn't anymore.)
  22. He will NEVER own a facebook account.
  23. His favorite season is summer.
  24. He can sing well.
  25. He has a soft spot in his heart for babies.
  26. His whole life revolves around his family. (Bronson and myself)
  27. His dream job would be to be in the FBI or Army.
  28. He is my best friend.
  29. I know his love language.
  30. Opening his gifts
    Kyle and Andy
    Beaver's Game November 13, 2010: Horrible Game
    Jill lighting the candles
    Kyle and Bronson on his 30th Birthday
    Waiting for the birthday boy!
    So excited to see his friend Aaron Kathman
    Jill and David waiting in the cold
  31. He is the world's best husband.