Tuesday, November 16, 2010

November Neverland: November 17th Blog

Somewhere between my conscience and nocturnal state I daydreamed of a place that was before. I dreamed of a place stopped in November. (A state of semi-reality) I dreamt of a happily ever after. I dreamt that I was putting clothes away in a dresser. There were several sets of doubles. I wasn’t spending the week after my twin-shower thinking of ways to explain to all the guests that their gifts would be for one instead of two. I was eagerly looking forward to the future of two. I was thinking about two in school, sports, and even two going to the prom. I was dreaming about the could of’s, should of’s, and would of’s. That is the reality…I was dreaming.

I wish at times that I could bottle up time in a capsule and slowly move the clock back. In my purely conscience state I am hesitant at sounding selfish and asking for more. Is it too much to ask to be able to have both of my sons? Is it too soon to pray that someday in the near future I can try my hand again at having a healthy pregnancy?

I express my feelings on this day to raise awareness of prematurity and infant mortality. I have experienced both prematurity and stillbirth. I don’t begin to know the exact feelings of anyone that has also shared these experiences. I just happen to know that with the festivities and joy of bringing your preemie home come some harsh realities. There are times that you feel time has been stolen from you. You may be like me and relish in the joy of having your baby home for so long and striving to be the perfect mom that you later realize that you have forgotten to take adequate time to grief. Grief is a normal process for both the loss of a child, but also the loss of a normal pregnancy.

I firmly believe that the experience of being a NICU mommy or daddy can traumatically affect you. Bronson was over a year old before I sought professional help for the heavy feelings that I was having. I began reading several books about the after-math of NICU and realized that many moms like me suffered from PTSD. Before Bronson’s birth I had never experienced anything more horrifying than realizing that my child would have to be staying at the hospital after I was discharged. I never doubted that he was in capable hands, but let’s be honest who sets out to have a baby and not be able to bring them home right away?

The first few weeks of Bronson’s stay in the NICU I would cry whenever I watched another set of parents enter the mommy/baby wing with an infant car seat. I had some major anger at not being able to bring my baby home. I counted down the days until I could scoop up my little one and bring him home. I will say that when this day came I thought all my troubles would be over. I don’t know why I was so na├»ve, but I really thought I would be completely better once he was home. Boy was I wrong. There were several days that I had to call on the help of family and close friends to come and scoop me up so that I could make it through the day.

Nearly three years after the birth of my sons I am stronger. I will never be over the stillborn delivery of our angel Jackson. I will probably always be a little nervous around pregnant woman. (I still am constantly anxious of other women having a premature baby). Yet I know that eventually I will have enough strength to try again. The rewards of being able to raise one of God’s gifts is so amazing that I would honestly say that it sometimes allows me to stay in my little November Neverland.

In November Neverland time doesn’t stand still. It just moves on without the hurdles and heartbreaks. In November Neverland Kyle and I are raising our twin boys and getting ready to celebrate their 3rd birthday. November Neverland has never heard of heartbreak or pain. November Neverland is a state of imagination that I can only go to when I am half asleep because to think about it in the present state causes too much pain. I occasionally long for this kind of peaceful sleep so that I can let myself imagine the reality of having two full-term baby boys.

Twin Bibs: November 11, 2007

One of many sets of twin outfits: Twin Baby Shower November 2007