Friday, September 12, 2008

Why can't I sleep...

It is past 1am and I am still awake. Kyle and I just finished installing new lights in our living room and dining room. I thought that it sounded like a fabulous idea to take a bath and write down some of my feelings. It is so weird to me that it is now normal to write down my feelings via a blog instead of the steadfast pen and paper, but whatever. Today has been a day of remembering and reflecting. Kyle and I took time at dinner tonight to reflect on the 7th anniversary of 9/11. Kyle started the conversation by asking if I remembered what I was doing at the exact time that the towers fell. He remembers driving to work and listening to the sudden radio broadcast. I remember that it was the day before I turned 20 and Ann woke me up to tell me that our nation was being attacked. I remember that it was just a little past 7am and she cam into my room and told me to to wake up. She said you are about to watch something in history unfold that is as big as World War II.

Looking back I couldn't even begin to realize all that would be in store in the following months. I remember spending my 20th birthday on the steps of the Capitol building praying for those affected by the attacks of 9/11. I remember thinking that our nation would never be the same again. I remember that everywhere we went you could see flags flying and people professing their faith in our nation. I will never forget. I often wonder if as a nation we have forgotten that terrible day and how we felt at the exact moment that we found out our nation was being attacked.

Today will be a day of reflection. It is now 9/12, my 27th birthday. How can I possibly be 27 years old? I still feel as though I just turned 18. I used to say that I felt 16, but a little too much has happened to me in the past year to stay in my early teens. I wonder if I will always feel as if I am 18. Kyle says that 27 was his hardest because it made him face reality that he is in his late 20s. To me I will always be a teen at heart.

With reflection comes some realizations. Kyle and I have been together for a little over 11 years. We started dating our sophomore year of high school. It has worked for us, but I do not advocate for teens to start dating as young as we did. Anyways, tonight I was looking at some pictures hanging at the wall and had to take a second look. One of the pictures that caught my eye was a family picture taken of Kyle, Bronson, and I just weeks after we brought him home. If you look very closely at the picture you notice a sense of sadness in both of our eyes followed by an intense strength. I like to think of the strength as God shining through letting us know that only the best is yet to come. As I was struck my this thought, my eyes drifted to a picture of Kyle and I on my 16th birthday. The picture is one of my favorites being that I barely weighed 100 pounds. I also like the looks that both Kyle and I have. We are both looking into the camera as if we have the whole world in front of us and nothing can touch us. I can't help but wonder where the notion came that we were invincible, but at that time in our lives we thought we were.

I wish for once that we could rewind just for a moment to live carefree. To live before terrorist attacks, lost loved ones, pain and heartache. I wish that for a moment I could truly be 16 again and not have the worries that constantly enter my mind. I have been told that to worry too much is sinful, mark this that I worry way too much. No one said that life was fair though, I just am reminded daily that to survive in this world we must fully rely on our living God, Jesus Christ.

As I close this open ended blog I realize that I have much to be thankful for especially my amazingly comforting husband and my adorable little man, Bronson. Maybe now I can go to sleep. Afterall, I do have to work in about 6 hours.

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