Friday, May 1, 2009

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

When I was pregnant Kyle and I talked a lot about our plans for our babies futures. A topic that came up often was the involvement of certain members of our family in the lives of our boys. We decided that we would allow them to be a part of their lives if they showed an interest, but whenever we felt that their lifestyles or choices were going to affect our sons we would draw the line. I know that Bronson is only 16 months old, but recently I have had to make several choices in regards to us being involved with certain friends and family. I have noticed that when I am around certain people or involve myself with them I feel unhappy and at times overwhelmed. I don’t think that it is healthy for Bronson to see his mommy in this state of mind. I also have noticed that for certain people we are always the ones to make the effort. Kyle and I have spoken about these thoughts and decided that it is best for all involved if we just drew the line.

I raise a question to others, when do you draw the line on members of your family or friends? (I add friends, because these types of relationships can be toxic too.) I recently had a conversation with one of those on my list of possible “bad eggs” and realized after the conversation that every bit of our conversation was a lie. I was included in this lie because I pretended that I cared. Why would I want to involve myself with them? They lie to me with every other word out of their mouths. I hate being lied to, but I was none the better. I pretended to be interested; I should have just hung up after saying I don’t have the time for this. I really don’t have time for the drama and lies. I have spent far too much of my life involved in the drama of others and have made a strong commitment to being done with it. If you look at my immediate family (son and husband) we don’t have this kind of drama.

My marriage is happy. I love my husband. I love his family. When we said, “I do” it was forever. When we decided to have children we decided to be their parents forever. Bronson is greatly blessed with a Grammy, papa, and nana that love him so much. Both of our parents relish in the title of grandparent. I never question whether they love him. Regardless of my dad’s situation I also know that he loves Bronson. It makes me sad to think that he won’t meet him until Bronson is almost 4 years old. Once again, he knows that one mess up and WE ARE DONE!!! I have a few family members in my life that make me question what I have done to them to make them not love me. Why do I do this to myself? Can a child even do something to make someone not love them?

I don’t often open up about my family situation on my blog. Sometimes things are difficult to discuss and I also don’t think that airing the dirty laundry is always acceptable. In this situation I post this blog to educate others about the affects of a blended family. THEY SUCK!!!! I know that some can attest that theirs has worked out. I have been involved in a total of four blended families and I have yet to see one work out. It is often the children that suffer the consequences of their parent’s problems. I have a friend right now that is struggling with the end of her marriage due to children circumstances. If you marry someone with kids you are marrying the kids too. Didn’t you know this before you got involved?

Kyle and I both strive to raise our son in a loving and functional home. We also want him to grow up knowing that his mommy and daddy love him and each other more than anything. We both feel that it is extremely important that parents put their marriages 1st and then the upbringing of their children. Last night we let Bronson stay with Grammy and Papa so that mommy and daddy could have some alone time. It is necessary for a marriage to have these quiet times. It is also necessary for a marriage to have open lines of communication. I can tell Kyle anything. I know that he will support my decisions and also real me in when I have gone too far. I feel that there are lots of people out there that need their mate to real them in a bit. This is why we have made the decision to permanently separate ourselves from certain members of our family. We used to believe it was just one bad egg, but realize that evil spurs evil. We don’t need this evil and drama in our lives. I feel so liberated to have made this decision. This also opens up some room on my calendar since I will no longer have the obligatory meetings so that they can see my cute baby. Have a great weekend!!!

4 comments:

The Beavers said...

I have a book you should read. I learned a lot from it because I also have toxic family members and friends. Two quick points...it seems like you take the actions of these toxic people personally...DON'T. Whatever they do and say is not about you...it's about THEM!!! THEY are the ones missing out on being part of your life. You are taking the high road by avoiding certain situations. Do what you need to do to protect your family and don't feel bad about it. I'll find that book and let you read it...I can't even remember the name off the top of my head.

The Beavers said...

oh, it's called The Four Agreements!

Deetsgirl said...

Thanks Trac, I had such a great time with you and Nathan yesterday. I am now super excited about the prospect of you guys moving closer. Bronson had so much fun.

cmhagen said...

I agree. Cory and I have a similiar situation in which certain family members ARE NOT allowed to be involved in my life and our daughter's life....their choices continue to have a negative ripple effect...despite promises to change...Our prayers are with you guys.