Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Can I be done yet?

I was so worried about him, they handed him to me right after he was done
Daddy was so worried about his baby
This pose reminded us of the NICU and all that he had overcome

My friend Amy once told me that her mom had a magnet on her fridge that said, "God doesn't give us more than we can take, but I wish he had less faith in me." I think that this saying is ringing true for me right now. I am exhausted...both physically and emotionally. I am getting tired of people telling me that I have been an inspiration them. I don't mean this to sound rude, but I am tired of being so strong. Life is not fair right now. God is so great and I am not writing this to imply that I don't have faith. I have major faith that God will provide. I guess that I am just realizing that my lesson in learning to fully rely on Him is not even close to over.

I write this in the midst of our most recent string of stress. Bronson had his surgery on Thursday. The Friday night of the week before my grandfather had a heart attack and landed in the hospital. Kyle really wanted to go up and visit him, but we both decided that we couldn't risk getting hospital germs before Bronson's big day. Bronson's hernia repair was super successful. They even discovered that he does in fact have all of his boy parts. (If you know what I talking about great, if not that's okay) Anyways, Kyle and I also chose to have Bronson's circumcision done at the same time of his surgery. If you don't agree with the practice of circumcision, please keep your opinions to yourself. I don't need anymore criticism right now. We were both very nervous about this process, although we knew several of our friends that have sons and had done the process when they were newborns and had good experiences. Well ours hasn't been so good.

Bronson had a terrible time at Doernbecker's and once he woke up and I went to change him I noticed that there was blood all over his blanket and me hands from where I was holding him. They weighed his diaper and discovered that he had lost over 55cc's of blood. Our doctor told us last night that he lost the equivalent of 12% of his total blood. Poor baby. The doctor's came into the room and applied pressure and it finally stopped after 25 minutes. Well, now it gets worse. He now has a severe infection on his penis and we spent last night at his pediatrician's office getting tests done and they put him on antibiotics. I talked to the doctor from OHSU (Doernbecker's) tonight and they want him back up there tomorrow morning. She said to be prepared to stay for the night. Our pediatrician said that the original test ruled out MRSA, but they are still not sure what type of infection he has. I am just so sick of hospitals.

I love Bronson so much and this has made me so upset. I find myself snapping at Kyle over little things and getting into a funk that I can't get out of. When he was in the NICU I stayed so strong, but I just feel that I don't have that strength for this again. When Bronson got out of surgery they accidentally gave him morphine and he was in a trance that was one of the scariest things I have ever witnessed. I just felt sick. Why can't things just go good for Bronson? He is such a strong fighting boy. My MIL (Ann) said tonight that he so strong that sometimes we might not know how much pain he truly is in. This is so true. Our boy is such a fighter an I need to be strong for him. I am just scared of something happening to him. He is our world.

I don't mean to complain or be too graphic...I have just had enough with trials and fires to go through. I will fight until the end for Bronson, I just need support. I have a great family and group of friends I guess I just needed to vent out loud. I HATE HOSPITALS AND WANT MY BABY TO HAVE AN EASY HAND DEALT TO HIM FOR ONCE. Is this too much to ask?