Friday, June 12, 2009

Can't Sleep Again...

It is past 2am and I can't go to bed. I have too many thoughts swimming around in my head. I haven't been feeling well the last couple of days and it is really getting to me. I am not pregnant for those of you that keep asking. I just feel sick. I think I could just be going through a funk right now. This month has been hard so far. I was started to wonder why I had this sudden intense feelings of emotion and then I realized that two years ago this month began my pregnancy journey. I hope that this gets better with years, but for some reason this month has been hard on Kyle and I both. We are both really missing Jackson. I think it has to do with the fact that when we were told we were having twins we always pictures our two little boys walking around together. I always pictured them at about 18 months strolling hand in hand in our back yard. I guess you could say that I am missing the memories that I thought we would have. It also doesn't help that when I have to clean rooms of this house I keep finding journals and letters that I wrote to myself in the midst of my darkest times. I am glad that I kept record of these times so that later I can look back and realize how far I have come. I just wish I could deal better with this month.

Amber G., I got my tears back. As I sit here and write this the flood gates have opened. I am really hurting for Bronson. Kyle and I have noticed an increase in his need to be around other kids. We don't want him to get sick, but we know that he needs to be socialized. It just hurts to know that if Jackson were here, he would have a constant playmate. I love my little boy so much, I just want to make the best of this situation, but I also realize that I need to deal with this too.

Some of you may know of the situations that we are dealing with in regards to family. It has now been a month since we have spoken. My biggest problem with the situation is that I feel that they are missing out on sooooo much of my son's life. When they decide to change is it going to be too late? Sorry this is so random, but at 2am what can you expect?