Can't Go Private

So I can't publish my post private. You can only have 100 readers and I have more readers than that. So for now, read on...it will continue to be in the public domain.

Going Private

I have decided to follow suit behind my friend, Shyann. I am going to be going private with this blog. Bronson is now almost 18 months and as I share our intimate moments as a family I would like to have a bit more control over who views our blog. If you would like to be on the list of people that view my blog, please send an email to: deets-girl@hotmail.com. I will send you an invitation in the next few weeks. If I send you an invitation, please ask before allowing others to view our blog. At this time we feel it is important to protect our family's privacy as much as possible. Thanks in advance for your understanding.

What Provides You Stability?

This post has been rewritten in my mind several times over the last few days. I realized recently that I own very little from my childhood. The one item that even my little sister remembers from our childhood is a little mickey mouse cup that I won at a cake contest when I was in the 2nd grade. The cup holds fonds memories for me; my sister had our "real" dad for the night and I got to bring my step-dad Kyle. I believe that it was father/daughter night at church. Ashley and I actually reminisced about this the last time she was here visiting. As I glanced at this cup on my bathroom counter about a week ago, I realized that although my childhood has been somewhat shattered, this cup has remained strong.

I realize now that my stability has had to come from other places than from my parents. I find stability in my relationship with my husband and more importantly in my relationship with God. As I have become a mother I find that my relationship with God becomes more centered in my ministry to mother Bronson. Yes, at this time I feel my main mission is to be a loving wife and mother. There are days that I feel I am going a million miles a minute, but as I put my little boy to sleep at night I never forget how thankful I am that God provided me such a wonderful little boy and answered all of our prayers by letting him be a part of our family.

Tonight as I sang Bronson to sleep, I listened closely to the words I sang. I have never really let the words of Jesus Loves Me sink in, but tonight I did. I almost wanted to change the words from Jesus loves me, this I know...because the bible tells me so to Jesus loves me, this I know...because he has provided me with such a wonderful blessing in you. I truly know that Jesus loves me despite of myself. He loves every little thing about me and has provided me with such a wonderful family. This blog has become a sort of therapy for me as I deal with some extremely emotional issues. I firmly believe that God has allowed me this outlet to process my feelings and share with others situations that may also be happening in their lives.

I am so glad that my heart has been softened to God's quiet whispers. I am holding tightly to the promise that God hears all my thoughts and prayers. I also know without a doubt that He loves me. I realize as I put my sleeping angel down for the night that my love for my son is a mere fraction of the love our wonderful Jesus has for us that laid His life down for us, so that we may not suffer, but have eternal life. What a wonderful Savior we have!!!

In the Life of Bronson

We spent Father's Day weekend over in Redmond this year. The visit was great, but I don't think I will ever get used to the sound of a whining child next to me in the backseat of a car for 3 hours. People say that when it is your own child it doesn't seem as bad, I will tell you the truth. IT IS THAT BAD! Anyways, our little man was Amazing for the visit. He has always been comfortable with Uncle Rick and Auntie Michelle, but he really bonded with Great Grandpa Kerfoot, sweetly renamed, Grandpa Cookie. You can only guess why he was given that title. Although it was a short visit it was wonderful getting to see everyone and being able to see Grandma's new place. Kyle and I really feel that prayers have been answered with the family's decisions.

Bronson is getting SO big lately. I think that over the weekend he probably added about 10-15 words to his growing vocabulary. Off the top of my head, he says, bath, bed, night-night, pa pa, cookie, car, guys, dog, something for horses, but we can't really tell what it is, tree, the normal baby words, and Ayden. Ayden is the one that amazes us the most because the word isn't that easy to say, but he still says it. He is also doing so much big boy stuff lately. He never crawls anymore and is climbing everything. We finished childproofing last night and the poor guy's heart is broken. He can no longer destroy my kitchen cupboards, but had to draw the line.

Last Thursday was our bi-monthly check in with his home health nurse. He passed all of his tests with flying colors. He now weighs 21 pounds, 12 ounces and is 30 1/2 inches tall. He is still a little small for his age, but when you think about how much he has grown in a year and a half I think it is amazing. Well, I am beginning to realize that my little baby is slowly becoming very much a big boy. It is sad, but I starting to miss the baby stage already. I am also overcome with joy at the amazing progress our little son has made.

Can't Sleep Again...

It is past 2am and I can't go to bed. I have too many thoughts swimming around in my head. I haven't been feeling well the last couple of days and it is really getting to me. I am not pregnant for those of you that keep asking. I just feel sick. I think I could just be going through a funk right now. This month has been hard so far. I was started to wonder why I had this sudden intense feelings of emotion and then I realized that two years ago this month began my pregnancy journey. I hope that this gets better with years, but for some reason this month has been hard on Kyle and I both. We are both really missing Jackson. I think it has to do with the fact that when we were told we were having twins we always pictures our two little boys walking around together. I always pictured them at about 18 months strolling hand in hand in our back yard. I guess you could say that I am missing the memories that I thought we would have. It also doesn't help that when I have to clean rooms of this house I keep finding journals and letters that I wrote to myself in the midst of my darkest times. I am glad that I kept record of these times so that later I can look back and realize how far I have come. I just wish I could deal better with this month.

Amber G., I got my tears back. As I sit here and write this the flood gates have opened. I am really hurting for Bronson. Kyle and I have noticed an increase in his need to be around other kids. We don't want him to get sick, but we know that he needs to be socialized. It just hurts to know that if Jackson were here, he would have a constant playmate. I love my little boy so much, I just want to make the best of this situation, but I also realize that I need to deal with this too.

Some of you may know of the situations that we are dealing with in regards to family. It has now been a month since we have spoken. My biggest problem with the situation is that I feel that they are missing out on sooooo much of my son's life. When they decide to change is it going to be too late? Sorry this is so random, but at 2am what can you expect?

Where have I been?

These past couple of weeks have went by in a whirlwind. I realized tonight that I still haven't even deposited Kyle's paycheck. No, I am not depressed. I just have a lot on my mind lately. Kyle and I are doing really good at getting things done around our house. I even managed to purchase a new rug for our living room that I LOVE! We had picked it out over a month ago, but I had to wait until it went on sale before buying it. I am trying to have patience when I really want something for our house. I know that we have lived here for 1 1/2 years, but I can't always have everything right away. Sales are a good thing and it makes you appreciate your purchase all the more when you wait and get it for a decent price. Our living room and dining room are really starting to come together. This place is finally starting to feel like a home. I think that until a couple of months ago I still kind of missed our 1st place. It wasn't very big, but it just felt finished from the time that we moved in. I think that it helped that it had such a BEAUTIFUL backyard. I miss having a nice backyard, but that will happen soon here. It is on our list of things to do this summer, but we are not going to stress about it.

Bronson no longer crawls. It is amazing how much he is changing. It is kind of sad, but happy at the same time. Today I caught him making sound effects with his little toy Einstein. It made me realize that all of the sudden is passing through the baby stage. I am lucky that he still loves to cuddle me for sometimes hours a day, but I know that soon this will change. He is such a great little guy, despite his recent ability to throw tantrums. Everyone says that it will pass, but I am not taking this stage very easily. Most of the time it seems that his anger is directed towards me. I don't know why!!! Whenever I start to get a little fed up, I remember that his strong will and determination are the reasons that he is here today.

Well, I better go to bed tonight. This coming weekend marks our first car show of the season and Kyle and I have lots to get done. I need to go pay the bills! I enclosed a picture of our little monkey that always motivates me to get a move on.