Monday, August 25, 2008

For Jackson

So this past weekend I was able to go away with some friends and two babies. It was an interesting weekend. I started off the weekend extremely emotional. I don't know what it was, but Friday set forth a stream of emotions that I had been holding back for too long. It all started with packing for the trip. As I was grabbing some things from Bronson's dresser, Jackson's ashes almost fell off the top. This made me face a reality that Kyle and I really need to make a decision in regards to what we want to do with his ashes. I personally haven't been ready to deal with this aspect of losing my baby, but I know that we need to do something soon. I think that it is starting to bother Kyle that we have his ashes in Bronson's room. It was both of our ideas to place them here, but it is beginning to be a HUGE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. I don't know a better way of explaining it. We both want to do something that will be respectful and helpful to both of us and eventually to his brother Bronson. I guess that we both have decisions to make in the next couple of weeks. I am going to make it a goal of mine to check out some options in the next week.

Anyways, to explain the surface break of emotions. It started with a comment made to a gas attendant at Safeway and broke free after a song I heard on KLOVE. I don't know what it is, but there are just some songs that I can't seem to listen to without breaking out in tears. This one has the lyrics that say, I want to touch you, I want to see your face, I want to know you more. The words are intended for a Christ follower to Christ, yet in this moment of emotions these words rang so true for me towards my baby Jackson. I still struggle.

I don't want my blog to be all about my loss, but sometimes I feel the need to share these journeys so that someday Bronson can understand our journey and also that my story might help just one person that might be experiencing their own loss. I write this to also explain in the blog that I am going to post after this one, that this was such a wonderful experience. I love the fact that Bronson will have a friend to grow up with. I love the fact that Ayden and Bronson are so close in age and that they can experience some of their 1st's together. It helps!!!!