Monday, March 31, 2008

Mixed Emotions

Someone recently commented that I am very open on my blog. That is the purpose of this blog. That is why I ask that this blog is only shared with friends and family. Yes, I do consider my entire church my family. They have really been there for us during the past 7 years and Kyle and I feel so blessed to have such an extended family of people praying for us and supporting us during this difficult time.

I have to first tell of a wonderfully (is that a word) cute story. My co-worker Lance has a beautiful little girl, Brooke, that just turned 4 years old. When I came into work today Lance gave me a wonderful little gift from Brooke for Bronson. It is a drawing of several little faces of all different colors. When Lance asked her if the picture was of all the babies in the hospital, Brooke took a moment to say, "No, these are all the people praying for Baby Bronson." This story just melts my heart.

Recently I have been hitting an emotional brickwall. It is hard to explain my feelings. I am elated with joy each time I look at my son. Kyle said just the other day that the best part of his day is putting Bronson in between us and taking the time to admire our beautiful gift each night. Kyle and I have prayed with Bronson everynight since he was 2 days old. He knows the routine and holds each of our hands during these prayers. We have had a lot to pray for lately and even more to PRAISE our lovely God for. Our Savior has blessed us soooo much. In saying this I am also having a hard time with my struggle to understand everything that I have went through in the last year. I have sooo many mixed emotions.

Friday was a hard day for me. Our son turned 3 months old. I can't hardly believe it. I am so happy to see how big he has gotten since coming home from the hospital. He is now over 8 pounds and has gained 2 inches since leaving the hospital. As I celebrated his 3 month birthday I was overwhelmed with a deep sadness. I don't know what set it off exactly, but I missed my other little guy so much on Friday. I think part of it was that I was able to take some cute pics of Bronson in his 3 month t-shirt. When I put it on him I was reminded of a conversation that I had with my dear friend Kelleigh when I was pregnant. I remember her and I talking about me borrowing both sets of shirt from her and Alex. When I put the t-shirt on Bronson I was reminded that I no longer needed to get the other set. I know that things like this will happen more and more often through out this year, so please bare with me if you see me kind of down. I am so thankful that our son is happy and healthy, but that doesn't take away the deep pain of the loss of my other baby.

Lately I have been taking this blog and printing it out so that I can scrapbook this time for Bronson. I want him to have a journal of his time in the NICU, but also of a time in our lives that God prevailed and made us stronger. I want him to know that thousands of people have prayed for him and that he is a strong boy because of our GREAT GOD. I know that some of the journal entries may be sad, but I also know that honesty is the best policy between children and their parents.

Kyle and I hope and pray that our son never has to feel the pain of losing a child, but I am also realistic that tragedy hits everyone. I hope that pray that if he ever had to deal with something this painful that I could be strong enough to help him and remind him that God loves him so much. It would be easy for me to turn my back on God right now, but I look through this and realize that we as Christians must also go through tough times, we are not invicible to pain and heartache on Earth. I know that this blog is kind of rambled...I have been up for several hours past what I should be and wanted to get some of my thoughts down.

I have to say something that I might later edit, but for right now I need to get it out. I have some people lately do some VERY insensitive things to me in regards to my son Jackson. Please remember that he is my son and regardless of how long he was on Earth, he holds a piece of Kyle and my heart and forever will be a part of our family. I am not "lucky" to get to bring one baby home. I am blessed. I am not "Over" it, I never will be. The day that I gave birth to my boys I lost a little piece of my heart to Heaven. I miss him everyday, but I know that he is in a much better place. If you have questions that are appropriate, please ask...but please remember that he is not just "my other baby." His name is Jackson and he is my son. I have two babies, just one has wings watching over my other baby here on Earth. This is emotional, but it is from my heart.

Thanks for reading and keeping up on our life here at the Deets' Residence. We love all of you.