Thursday, July 18, 2013

Walking on Broken Glass

Lately I have been watching a lot of cheap comedy and losing myself in mindless Netflix episodes of Raising Hope. I might even be accused of annoying some of my co-workers with stories from these episodes as these stories are easier to share than all the endless crap that is really going on in my life. I love how on occasion this show will discuss things like I saw this once on a TV show or remember on this episode of "such and such" this happened. Well, I am beginning to realize that I am trying to pretend that I am part of one of these TV show series and that nothing bad is really happening.

My coping skills since turning 13 have remained merely the same; forget about it and it can't bother you. I don't recommend using these skills for any length of time. Eventually it will catch up to you and no matter how much fun you try to have sooner or later you will have to deal with the emotions of the life that you have been ignoring. This became no more real than when I tried my hardest to hide my traumatic pregnancy under the rug until after Bronson's first birthday. Counseling was a successful key ingredient on the road to recovery.

How do you cope with a process that has no middle or end? How do you deal with the fact that quite possibly the rest of your life you will be dealing with the evil and dreaded disease of cancer? When I spoke to my mom last night and we discussed that for all intents and purposes my sister no longer has cancer in her body, but because of medical terminology and definitions she is still considered stage 4/terminal I tried my hardest to wrap my mind around this fog of confusion. I do not know how to recommend that anyone processes or deals with this journey other than leaning on your strongest source. For me I try my hardest to lean on my Savior and find comfort in knowing that many people are praying for me and my family even on those days that it takes all my strength to clasp my hands and close my eyes to send a prayer to Him myself. I will admit that sometimes it is physically exhausting to be open and honest to Jesus when your heart is literally breaking at the thought of your real life.

I am trying to be easy on myself and to laugh at the things that are silly. I laugh that I am a clean freak, but can honestly say that I no longer have a single clean towel or pair of underwear in my house because I HATE doing laundry and do not want any energy devoting to it. I find myself praising God for the little things; giggles from kiddos, pocket dials from Oaklen, or the having a few minutes alone in my kitchen to process fruits and vegetables from Farmer's market. I will continue to pray that eventually the path will feel less like broken glass and more the normal rocky road of life. I believe it will happen.