Friday, June 10, 2011


Very similar picture was sent to me via text by sister Ashley after she found out I was having twin boys, replaced by picture of Bronson right after he was born.

From the moment that I found I was expecting identical twin boys until the day they were born I bore the above picture on my cellphone. It was my reminder that I was a mommy of twins. While I was pregnant I remained a mommy of twins. Once Bronson and Jackson were born I became the mommy of Bronson. Several people close to me still would make comments about Jackson, however it also became a taboo subject to many. I will never forget when my mom openly admitted that she had to leave Target shortly after my boys were born because she lost it in the isle after seeing a mommy and obviously the grandmother carry around two little baby boys. I was so thankful that my mom shared this story with me because it allowed me to share an ounce of what I was feeling. I longed to be the mommy holding two baby boys.

I read a blog today that captured something I feel. "I believe you have two options when you lose someone.  You can give up living and merely survive, or you can grow strong in the memory of the child you loved, and live a life to make them proud.  I chose to live." It doesn't mean that I still don't get that heavy feeling in my heart when I see a mommy with two identical twin boys. For some reason my heart strings aren't pulled entirely the same way when it is girls or one of each. I am also at a point in my loss process that I get excited and can share in the celebration with a friend when they announce their recent pregnancy with twins. I get even more excited when I learn they are fraternal (meaning less chance of early delivery).

This thought has been coming to the surface more often lately because our dear "only child" has been saying on a daily basis that  he "needs a baby brother." The expression almost seems rehearsed and I wonder if he has heard a relative or well meaning family friend say it a time or two. I struggle with a sense of loss when he brings this up. I wonder if we will be doing him a disservice if we decide to be done with one. Will his loss be felt even more if we don't have any other children? I read another blog from a mom of twin girls who felt the need to immediately get pregnant to have a sibling for her surviving twin. I have never felt ready to have another child and lately more and more the idea of having only one child seems complete. Kyle and I love being parents, but among it's blessing also comes many trials.

I believe strongly that following God's direction will answer this question for us when it is the right time. For now I will continue to focus on being the best mommy that I can be to Bronson.