Monday, April 28, 2008

It doesn't make it real...

I thought that by posting it in the local paper, it would make the situation more real. It still doesn't seem real. It has been four months since I laid eyes on my other baby. I refer to him as my other baby, because to me he is always going to be remembered as my tiny little baby that had so much spunk inside my tummy. Yes, his name is Jackson, however, I remember him better as my little baby "b." Our doctor suggested that we give him a name to help with the grieving process. I didn't know that it would also hurt a little piece of my heart everytime I heard someone call their little boy. I have had two situations in the last week where I hear a mom calling out to her little one, "Come here Jackson." I look to see a little chubby boy running to his mommy.

I am so blessed to have Bronson. I had a meltdown last week and asked Kyle why God decided that I needed to have this trial in my life. His answer was so profound and helped...a little. He said, to get Bronson. I don't for one minute take this lightly, however I wish that I didn't have to lose one of my babies to have one. One day a lady from my church said, well, you're lucky at least you will get to bring one baby home. I am extremely lucky to get Bronson, yet I wish that the day that I held him in my arms was not the same day that I had just a few small moments to say goodbye to his brother.

This last week I finally put both of my sons announcements in the paper. I didn't realize that many people from our church didn't realize that I gave birth to twins. I had thought that I had a sign on my head that explained the entire situation. This past Sunday I realized that all of those that went to my church and were without email didn't know about Jackson. They knew of the NICU experience with Bronson, but didn't know about the situation. One of our older friends said that he had seen our obituary in the paper and wanted to say how sorry he was. I didn't post the announcement for sympathy, I think I posted it to bring some sort of closure or maybe just to see it in black and white. Ann said, "It is much different to see it in black and white." What a statement. The posting made it seem a bit more real, yet I still feel like I am walking in a fog. Is this normal?

I celebrate my son's four month birthday today admist a meltdown of tears on my way home from work. I miss the thought of two little boys. Could I have done a good job with two? Would our life be so much different? I will never know. I will continue to praise God for my wonderful baby boy, yet go my entire life wondering about my other little one.

Here is the two announcements:

Jackson Ray Deets
Dec. 28, 2007

Jackson Ray Deets, infant son of Kyle and Amber Deets of Dallas, died Dec. 28, 2007, in Eugene. Jackson, a twin, was born on Dec. 28 at Sacred Heart Medical Center in Eugene. He was preceded in death by an aunt, Lindsay Deets. Survivors include his parents, Kyle and Amber Deets of Dallas; twin brother, Bronson Deets of Dallas; grandparents, Bill and Ann Deets of Blodgett and Chuck and Shellene Foster of Albany; aunts, Ashley Love, Alexis Page and Austin Foster, all of Oregon; and several great-grandparents in Oregon. In lieu of a service, his parents will be participating in the annual March of Dimes Walk in their son's honor. Contributions are suggested to March of Dimes at: Musgrove Mortuary of Eugene handled arrangements.

And for Bronson's birth announcement:

Bronson William Deets was born to Kyle and Amber Deets of Dallas at 3:08 p.m. Dec. 28, 2007, at Sacred Heart Medical Center in Eugene. He weighed 2 pounds, 3.40 ounces, and was 13.50 inches long. Bronson is the couple's first child. Grandparents are Chuck and Shellene Foster of Albany, Bill and Ann Deets of Blodgett, and George Evans of Oregon. Great-grandparents are Ray and Louraine Kerfoot of Redmond, Mike and Char Kingsbury of Salem, Francis Deets of Klamath Falls, and Lee and Dolly Evans of Albany.