Overwhelmed

When I was younger (perhaps just 1 year ago) I was really bad at saying no. I am still not the greatest at saying no, but I have a better method of dealing with stress. I just try to ignore it. It is probably not the most mature or adequate way of dealing with it, but it helps me right now. One common way that I avoid stress is by not listening to voicemails; this totally annoys some of my friends. I also ignore text messages if my response would require too complex of an answer. Is this solution working for me? Probably not. Do I feel better ignoring stuff that annoys me? Yes, I do.

Social Media is very overwhelming to me lately. I am required to do a great deal with social media in my current position. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I realized that the page that I designed via facebook for our graduate programs still lacks 200 fans yet the page I created for my sick sister raised over 700 in just a few short weeks. People like drama (although I am not implying her page is dramatic). They also like to know other people's stories. Along with the overwhelming growth of Ashley's page we have had the good, bad, and the just plain ugly. When you open yourself to the public you open yourself up to criticism. I try to do everything in my personal power to keep the negative comments/feedback from getting to my sister. This doesn't always work. I can now count on both hands how many people have used my sister's situation to try to sell us their cream, lotion, pill, or even disease preventing chocolate. We do NOT want your stuff. We are just asking for prayers.

In an attempt to avoid hurting people's feeling we have also declined all recent offers for fundraisers. My sister's husband does a mighty fine job of providing for his family and Ash has amazing insurance. It does cost a great deal for her to travel back and forth to Portland, but with the generous sales and donations from our friends and family Ash is doing fine. I did open a medical account for her and some anonymous people have donated; that helps, but we are not seeking donations. When you put it out there that a fundraiser is going on it implies that she needs the money. Ash never wanted any money and appreciates each and EVERY generous gift or donation that has been made. This is where my overwhelming stress comes in. I HATE hurt people's feeling and I don't want them to think that I don't appreciate their offers for help, but my plate is seriously full and I can't don't want to add to that. Fundraisers and other events can't fit on my plate right now.

Thanks, but NO thanks!

November 17, 2012: National Prematurity Awareness Day

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Five years

Five Years

I can't believe that tomorrow marks five years since your little heart stopped and you went to heaven. Sometimes I try to remember the exact way. Felt when I realized that I would carry your little body inside me until our little brother could be delivered. I remember cringing when people would rub my stomach or mention that I must be having twins because of how big I was (I don't think I was that large). I remember rewriting my birth plans over and over again because there was no way that I could imagine that day going exactly the way it should. I should have had two healthy, full-term twin boys to deliver.

It didn't matter what I wrote in my birth plan because just six weeks later your brother needed to come out quickly via c-section. When the nurse asked me what I wanted her to do with you I panicked and asked for you to be laid in my bed. (Mistake #1)...upon leaving the delivery room I was shocked and surprised to see several family members waiting with happy/worried expressions. I freaked out and begged for your daddy. I didn't want anyone to reveal the fact that your cold little body was laying at the foot of my bed. I wanted the moment that I saw and felt you for the first time to be with your daddy and I alone. God gave me such a sweet tender mercy when you were born; I heard the cries of your little brother as your daddy was able to hand carry him into the delivery room to show him off. We never imagined being able to hold Bronson right away let alone without cords in the delivery room. I firmly believe God allowed this to happen so that our focus would be off of the horrible truth.

Mistake #2 the nurse that was tending to me had never dealt with a stillborn baby before. There were protocols in place, but when I asked for you to stay with me she panicked and brought you with us. (You should have been cleaned, wrapped, and clothed). Your daddy came to be with us and we both trembled when we saw you. Your little body was so perfectly formed, you were so so tiny; yet I couldn't wrap my mind around you little face. (That face will always be in my memories and the fact that you had hair.) Jackson, I do not know if I touched you because I was so shocked to see my nightmares become a reality. You were not supposed to enter the world dead. Your daddy and I were supposed to be holding you and your brother side by side.

Mistake #3 when the nurse returned after removing you from our room. Details about our viewing remain private between your daddy and I...I freaked the heck out. I ripped any pictures that revealed your face. I regret this so much. The only picture I have of you is of your beyond tiny little feet. I regret to holding you; all 6.5 ounces. I didn't know a baby that small could be so perfectly formed.

Wrapping all my mistakes into a huge bucket I am choosing to toss the entire bucket out because the best thing about being your mommy is knowing 100 percent of the time that you are perfectly formed and perfectly safe. I kow that you are in heaven. I know that your little brother loves The Lord so much and that someday you two will spend enter its together with me and your daddy. Jackson, it would have been wonderful to know the 5 year old version of you, but I am so thankful that I knew you and our heartbeat for the nearly 23 weeks you lived. I will NEVER forget that you lived.

Sensitive Heart

Look at the little hand in this picture placed gently on the back of Oaklen. My mind keeps coming back to this picture after looking at it yesterday during my photo edits The picture itself is a bit blurry, but it speaks volumes to my heart. Meet my heart, my sensitive heart. My heart that literally hurts when I see others struggling in their health, life, or just relationship troubles. I had a thought the other day that I can finally see why some people just choose to pack a small bag and leave reality for a couple of days. My heart is not this way because of depression or sadness, please don't get my sensitive heart confused with a sad one. I am asking God to give me a heart that is more loving, kind, and gentle. He has started answering my prayers and I realize that with this answered prayer a lot of things that I used to just ignore grieve my heart. I have actually had two opportunities in the past week to be more honest with my friends than I have in the past. Ash and I actually talked how we will sometimes silently be praying for others while they are talking to us because when we see their struggles it makes our hearts ache.

Last week I had a realization that a friend was headed down a serious destructive path. I realized that she was no longer the woman that I met nearly 5 years ago. Every time I see her I feel that she is more depressed than before hiding behind a fake smile. In the past I would have just taken the wordly view of "it's none of my business," but then I realized that this "broken" heart is one that Jesus wants to mend. She used to love the Lord so much and I realized that if I continued to say, "it's okay" while she continued to go down this destructive path she would continue to get worse. I finally prayed as she was talking to me and out of love told her that I was VERY concerned about her lifestyle and her heart. I told her that her focus needs to be on God first and then family. That I loved her tremendously, but not even a fraction of the amount that God loves her. I felt that we ended on a good note. I keep praying that perhaps I will hear from her soon and that some life changes are in progress.

Getting back to the little hand placed gently on his cousin's back. Imagine a very LARGE hand placed over our hearts. God can do that for us if we just ask. He is currently massaging my heart muscles into being more obedient to his commandments. Instead of turning a blind eye to others he is asking that I take a leap of faith and share the good news of His son, Jesus Christ. He is asking that I strive to be a better example in my relationships and that I continue to have a sensitive heart against sin and direct disobedience to His word.

Making Plans

I am the planner in our family. Name an occasion or special reason for celebration and I will have the whole event planned months in advance. I will admit that one of my highlights of the new school season is buying a new planner so that I can write all the special dates on my calendar and map out (with color coding) all of the events that I know in advance each year.

When I purchased my beautiful Tiffany's blue calendar for 2012 I wrote all of the special birthdays down, Bronson's anticipated 1st day of school, the beginning of fall term, and most importantly a HUGE highlighted note in the day of September 8th...one year cancer free for Ashley. I looked forward to this day with the most anticipation and sadly as the day approached we already knew that there would be no celebrating that day. We are currently in the planning mode of three week cycles. I told Ashley today that The Lord has been speaking to me often lately and I feel confident that we will soon find ourselves planning in three month cycles, but it really draws me back to reality. I remember thinking that wasn't enough time and now I find myself praying for them.

There is some definite planning that no one ever wants to talk about, but I urge you to have with your loved ones. It shouldn't have to only come up because your loved one has terminal cancer; share your life wishes, share what you would expect others to do if you are called home to heaven, share what you really don't care about, just share. As the care giver or loved one let them share. It is not morbid; they need the freedom to share these things. For all medical purposes they have been told that they might not have the life expectancy that they once hoped to. Don't say, let's not talk about this, it will never happen. Ask them questions even if you are not ready for the answers. I am realizing how much I have to remind myself that they are not my plans, but His.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

The Four Girls

I have realized in the social media world that many people don't realize that there are 4 girls in my family. I am the oldest of four sisters. I thought it might be nice for me to introduce my family so that status updates and blog posts can be better understood. In this post I will introduce you to the 4 of us girls. Ashley and I do have a step-brother, James that has been our brother since we were 5 and 3; so if you hear us talk about our brother this is the guy. We also have  step-brother and step-sister from my mom's husband Chuck, but are not in immediate contact with either of them.

The oldest: Amber (31)

I am married to Kyle; my high school sweetheart. We began dating in 1997 and married after graduating from Western Oregon University in 2003. We are the proud parents of Bronson (nearly 5) and Jackson (angel in heaven). Kyle and I enjoy spending time with our family and friends and include Grace Community Church in Dallas part of our family. My next sister Ashley and I have the same dad, George. I am told that I look the most like my mom who is a recovery room nurse in Albany. 1st curly headed sister...

The second oldest: Ashley (29)

Ashley is married to Sgt. Joe Sult and lives in Redmond, OR. They have been together for nearly 6 years and have a beautiful 18 month old son, Oaklen McCrae. He is a little ginger baby that lights up everyone's life. Ashley graduated from beauty college in 2004 and has worked in a few different salons since then including one that she co-owned in Monmouth, OR. Joe and Ashley both had a great couple of years in Georgia where they made tons of friends and rekindled Joe's military career. He is currently a recruiter for the Army in Prineville. Ashley worked for Cougar Cuts in Prineville until finding out that her leioyomosarcoma had reared it's ugly head again. Ashley's niece and nephews call her She She. Ashley looks mostly like our dad. Ashley's hair is naturally straight and we are unsure of the natural color, but I am leaning towards brownish blond.

The nearly youngest baby sister: Alexis (24)

Alexis is the proud mommy of Olivia Brooke (nearly 6). There are exactly 1 year and 5 days that separate Olivia and Bronson's birthdays. Alexis and her significant other Jacob have been together since before Olivia and are happy to be having another baby boy due in February. Alexis is known as the funny sister. Her nephews all refer to her as Auntie Fay Fav aka Auntie Favorite. Her little girl looks like a mirror image of her with blond curls and big blue eyes while looking exactly like her daddy. Jacob makes us proud by working a very busy job with a crazy schedule in Alaska. They make their home in Albany where Lex gets to stay at home with her babies. Alexis has natural curls like her sister Amber, but loves to wear her hair straight. She also now has brown hair. Alexis looks mostly like her dad, Kyle.

The baby baby sister: Austin (18)...almost 19

Aussie is our baby sister. She gets a little tired of all of the unsolicited advice from her older sisters, but knows that we all ADORE her. She started kindergarten the same month that I started college. My mom also started going back to school for her RN at the time, so I got the privilege of taking her to her first day of kindergarten. Austin just had her first baby boy Hanson Charley Asher. Named after our grandpa and Ashley. Austin graduated early and plans to start college this winter after she has had time to adjust to being a mommy. She has naturally straight blond hair and is known by her niece and nephews as Te Te. Austin is known for her fashion sense and cuteness. She has always been into her hair being fixed just right and looked up to her sisters. Austin's dad is Chuck, my step-dad.

Our mom: Shellene

Our mom is a wonderful nurse that had always dreamed of going back to school and decided to take the leap when I started college. She is consistently requested by her patients and strives to be the best that she can be. She recently did a stint of time as an OR nurse, but enjoys doing outpatient surgery and infusion services. This training is coming in handy as she helps take care of her daughter Ashley. Our mom is also the oldest of four girls all with names starting with Sh. Our mom loves antiques and shopping, but the loves of her life are her grand babies and girls. It is amazing because each of us has a small part of our mom's personality. I got her looks, Ashley got her artistic ability, Lex got her dance moves, and Austin got her artsy/decorating sense.

We may not be perfect, but we are family and all love each other.

Little Things

I just cam back from spending the weekend with my baby sister. The most I can say about seeing your precious baby sister dealing with chemo is that no one can prepare you. I found myself savoring each little moment that I got to spend with her or my nephew. Since I have a child myself there is not many opportunities for me to spend one on one time with my nieces and nephews. Each little smile or precious hug that Oaklen gave me was all the more special. Some of the moments I witnessed him loving on his mommy will forever be burnt into my memory and held there for me to share when he goes off to college. He is a major mama's boy. It made me remember the moments not long ago when my kiddo was a super mama's boy.

God was preparing my heart for a special treat when I returned home from an emotionally exhausting weekend. My little boy told me over and over again how much he loved me, how I was the bestest, that I was precious and that he loved me so much. Bronson is always sweet to me, but I am realizing as he gets older that I see less and less of that need for me as he once did when he was little. It has been a major treat for him to tell me that his wish for this week is to have mommy time and that he can't wait for some cuddles. My little boy's hugs keep me going.

As I lay here next to him as he softly snores I am remembering some of the little things that seem so far away. I remember him wanting his little friend (kangaroo) to sleep with him. It seems like just yesterday that he required a lovey every night and requested cold sheets. It feels like each stage goes by way too quickly. It is hard to believe that he has been in preschool for nearly a month. Life is going by too quickly. I just want to pause it for a moment so I can capture the little things.