Friday, November 16, 2012

Five years

Five Years

I can't believe that tomorrow marks five years since your little heart stopped and you went to heaven. Sometimes I try to remember the exact way. Felt when I realized that I would carry your little body inside me until our little brother could be delivered. I remember cringing when people would rub my stomach or mention that I must be having twins because of how big I was (I don't think I was that large). I remember rewriting my birth plans over and over again because there was no way that I could imagine that day going exactly the way it should. I should have had two healthy, full-term twin boys to deliver.

It didn't matter what I wrote in my birth plan because just six weeks later your brother needed to come out quickly via c-section. When the nurse asked me what I wanted her to do with you I panicked and asked for you to be laid in my bed. (Mistake #1)...upon leaving the delivery room I was shocked and surprised to see several family members waiting with happy/worried expressions. I freaked out and begged for your daddy. I didn't want anyone to reveal the fact that your cold little body was laying at the foot of my bed. I wanted the moment that I saw and felt you for the first time to be with your daddy and I alone. God gave me such a sweet tender mercy when you were born; I heard the cries of your little brother as your daddy was able to hand carry him into the delivery room to show him off. We never imagined being able to hold Bronson right away let alone without cords in the delivery room. I firmly believe God allowed this to happen so that our focus would be off of the horrible truth.

Mistake #2 the nurse that was tending to me had never dealt with a stillborn baby before. There were protocols in place, but when I asked for you to stay with me she panicked and brought you with us. (You should have been cleaned, wrapped, and clothed). Your daddy came to be with us and we both trembled when we saw you. Your little body was so perfectly formed, you were so so tiny; yet I couldn't wrap my mind around you little face. (That face will always be in my memories and the fact that you had hair.) Jackson, I do not know if I touched you because I was so shocked to see my nightmares become a reality. You were not supposed to enter the world dead. Your daddy and I were supposed to be holding you and your brother side by side.

Mistake #3 when the nurse returned after removing you from our room. Details about our viewing remain private between your daddy and I...I freaked the heck out. I ripped any pictures that revealed your face. I regret this so much. The only picture I have of you is of your beyond tiny little feet. I regret to holding you; all 6.5 ounces. I didn't know a baby that small could be so perfectly formed.

Wrapping all my mistakes into a huge bucket I am choosing to toss the entire bucket out because the best thing about being your mommy is knowing 100 percent of the time that you are perfectly formed and perfectly safe. I kow that you are in heaven. I know that your little brother loves The Lord so much and that someday you two will spend enter its together with me and your daddy. Jackson, it would have been wonderful to know the 5 year old version of you, but I am so thankful that I knew you and our heartbeat for the nearly 23 weeks you lived. I will NEVER forget that you lived.