Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Major Meltdown


This weekend I blew up!!!! At first I couldn't understand where all of the anger was coming from. I couldn't even boil noodles. I made a full pot of spaghetti and ended up having to remake the noodles because I spilt them all over in the sink and on the floor. Kyle watched all of this unfold and knew something was wrong. He instantly scooped Bronson up and took him to look at Christmas lights. He said later that he knew that I was about ready to fall apart, but he knew that I needed some space. This was the day that we decided to take the time to decorate for Christmas. I started the day off fine, but slowly I started becoming a mess. Kyle and I never really enjoy decorating the tree together because it normally starts a fight. He hates the mess that the tree makes and I have a "certain" order to how I like the tree to look. I decided that it really wasn't fair for Bronson to just watch mommy decorate the tree, so I let him help hang the last ornament on the tree with daddy's help.
After all of the decorations were done is when the dinner began to fall apart. I became a raving lunatic. I couldn't even think clearly. I was so angry towards Kyle that I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling. We had dinner and then things started becoming a bit clearer. I AM ANGRY BECAUSE IT IS DECEMBER. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong...but this month is the hardest yet. I explained to Kyle who was having similar feelings that I am looking forward to and also dreading the 28th of this month. It will be a year since I got to lay eyes on my precious son, Jackson. It is also a day for serious celebration. Our son Bronson will turn 1 years old. I am so amazed that he has made it so far.
During a long talk with Kyle I discovered one serious issue that I am having. We still have not taken steps towards dealing with Jackson's remains. They remain in a beautiful box in Bronson's room. No one would even know that they were his ashes unless I told them, but it is beginning to really bother me. This has been a serious strain between Kyle and I. We can't decide what is the best way to honor both Jackson and provide our family with closure. I need CLOSURE. I will NEVER get over losing my son, but I need to be able to close this chapter in my life. I am the one that every two days goes into Bronson's room and dusts off the box and tries not to think of what lays inside. I obsess over whether it is more honoring to spread the ashes or bury them. I obsess over if I should get a headstone or place a plaque on the rock up at our family cemetery. I also dread making a decision. Sometimes I wish that the decision would just be made for me and I could be done. Well, Kyle made the decision and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.
I made the call yesterday and a plaque is being made with his name. We are also going to purchase a statue to sit on our beautiful, Lindsay's grave. Kyle and I will spend our 5th wedding anniversary (12/27) spreading our son's ashes at the location of where he proposed to me over 7 years ago. God was fully in these decisions. I had been thinking of this plan for awhile, yet when we talked the words flowed so smoothly from Kyle's mouth exactly what I hoped he would say. We both agreed that this would be a day that would mean something to both of us and allow for a small part of closure in dealing with the death of our son. I write these thoughts down so if anyone out there is dealing with a similar situation they will know that they are not alone. My heart is broken. God is busy repairing it. I physically can feel this pain, yet I know that God will provide healing. I try not to think of this too often, but it is hard to remain in the present when you know someday you will see your angel baby in heaven. I am so lucky to have both Kyle and Bronson in my life. Bronson is such a blessing to Kyle and I. He reminds us daily that God answers prayers and that he will provide our family with healing.
December will be a hard month for our family, but also a month of celebration. In today's world it is a proud accomplishment to be able to say that we have been married for 5 years. We also will be celebrating our son's 1st birthday. Most importantly we will be celebrating God's promise, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. We hope that you all have a very Merry Christmas and we promise to provide you with lots of happy picture posts to follow.

4 comments:

Dreamer said...

I am reading this in China with tears running on my face. But I want to tell you: Amber, you are a strong lady. You live for today and the future. TO be happy or to be in pain is all up to you, up to your heart. I am glad you are slowly getting there.
Happy holiday!

The Beavers said...

Amber, as a mother, I can not imagine the pain of losing a child that you carry with you every day. Your family is in my prayers and I hope that your 5th anniversary is everything you need it to be.

abertolini said...

Amber,
I love you and I realize as I sit here with tears running down my face that I haven't been praying for you enough, so I apologize for that. Please know, I'm always happy to listen if you need to talk--I know I don't always understand, but I care about you. I think your plans to honor Jackson sound very nice.

MoDBev said...

I just read your post on this eve of Prematurity Awareness Day 2010. Thank you so much for sharing not only your pain and how you dealt with it but your strength and courage. Many people do not want to talk about loss. Be we all need to find closure. I am so sorry you lost your son. We are hosting a #pregnancychat on loss on Twitter on 11/23 at 3p EST. Thinka bout joining us. Follow #pregnancychat