It has been four years since I last took the time to post something to this blog. This once was my typical domain for posting all of the thoughts that streamed through my brain. The past two years have been full of so many random life changes that I honestly have been struggling to process my new normal. Post 2020 life is much like post loss life. You don't really know whether you are coming or going.
Today after finishing my day at work I came home and spent an hour out in the front yard dead-heading one of my largest shrubs. I blasted the latest music on my noise cancelling airpods and decided to focus on what was causing me to be so unbelievably angry towards my kids. I decided quickly that although the tantrums can be super aggravating, but my true anger was caused by how I was processing grief today. Summer months can have all sorts of memories that surface that can bring both joy and sadness.
Each season, month, time of year has its' highs and lows. Sometimes something will surface out of the blue that takes my breath away. Today as I was listening to my music I realized that some of the artists/songs that I currently listen to weren't even on the horizon in Ashley's lifetime. That may seem like a strange thing to think about, but so many of my thoughts when I am thinking about her are about the things that we enjoyed together. We LOVED music and dancing together. My parents could probably tell me for certain, but some of my very earliest childhood memories are dancing around our living room in Albany with the music cranked up and trying out all of our dance moves.
As I laboriously tackled the giant shrub (actually 3 giant shrubs grown together), I began to think of all the reasons I choose to stuff my grief. #1, I hate crying, #2, I hate not being in control, #3, I don't know it feels like to really "fall apart"...can you sense a theme? I have stuffed my grief sooooo far down that it likes to rear it's ugly head mostly in the form of anger to my loved ones. I know 100% that it isn't fair, but I find myself repeating the cycle over and over again. I am thankful that in the better weather months I can go outside and get away from my kids/husband so that they don't become the recipients of my rudeness.
The truest and rawest form of grief is not pretty. You can't package it up and put a bow on it. It comes and goes in cycles and some days are better than others. Sometimes life seems like it is going so well and them wham out of nowhere you will have one of those kind of days. Today I thought a lot about the things that Ashley used to say to me. One of her #1 sayings was, "Amber, you're such a dork." This was often the result of something I would do to make her laugh or an idea that I would share that didn't have a filter. This was a term of endearment from her. I also thought about all of the fashion, hair, and style advice that she would provide to me. I try to harness her since of style, but somedays I know that if I showed up at her door step in some of my ensembles should wouldn't be able to hold back from "fixing me up a bit." She was my go to hair and make-up artist. She was my "go-to" for SO many things. Yes, I lost a sister, but I lost so much more than can be described with that simple word. She was my best friend and the one person that shared the same family tree as me. When I need someone to understand something going on in my family that link is missing.
So many things have changed in the last 7.5 years. I can't even begin to imagine what she would say about some of them. She would probably share the same range of emotions at some of the changes our family has encountered. She would have some very tough love conversations with some, a hug for others, and like me would want to spend a few rounds in the ring with others. It is easy to say that once someone has went before us that all things are sunshine and roses for them, but I know the heart of Ashley and not everything that goes on here on earth is pure joy.
As I blasted the music today I tried to think of all the little things that I miss about Ashley that at the time were somewhat annoying. She ALWAYS sided with Kyle; like ALWAYS. Kyle and I have a VERY strong relationship, but if I was even being the least bit bratty she would very quickly tell me be nice...he is so good! I miss that for him. I miss how she was never much of an exerciser (except for a rare time when my dad trained her), yet she was always in shape and able to accomplish so many things athletically. My daughter has this natural gene. I miss her sense of humor. She loved to participate in our sister shenanigans and often encouraged me to go the extra mile to make someone laugh. Let's be real, most of the time I was the punch line of the joke but only because I had done something to make her laugh. Some of the stories she could share about my embarrassing moments would bring you to tears. Some of those stories she kept close to her chest, but others she passed down to Lexi.
On the more sentimental side I miss how much she loved our kids. Olivia and Bronson were her babies. She went down to very part-time work after I had Bronson just so he wouldn't have to go to daycare. She spoiled him SO rotten and got a kick out of dressing him, teaching him things, and truly got a kick of his personality. She loved watching Oaklen and him build a cousin bond. She also adored Olivia and shared the love of watching this beautiful girl join our family. Olivia is the most beautiful 15 year old girl I have ever had the chance of knowing and I know Ashley would be so proud of her. Watching her blossom would have brought Ashley SO much joy! Next to being a mommy, she loved being an Auntie. I miss her with Oaklen more than I can adequately describe. My heart soared recently when I realized that my 11 year old nephew is being raised with so much love that the boy wears his heart on his sleeve. He knows 100% he is loved and isn't afraid to share his love and affection with others. Ashley would beam with pride for her boy. He truly is sunshine on earth and I am so fortunate to have him for my nephew.
I promised Ashley nearly 8 years ago that I would write her story. I have changed the direction of that story so many times. I am not sure if it is meant to be a love story, friendship story, or one of faith, but I know that the life that Ashley lived in her last three years on Earth made an impact on me and I know that her legacy will leave an impact on others. As I process my new normal I may try to get into the hang of blogging again; I know it is so 2007, but sometimes just getting the feelings out can be so good for the soul.
