Warning...this is not one of those happy go lucky blogs that you will read and feel like bouncing around your house. I have a lot of emotions built up inside right now and I guess I feel that blogging is the best way to describe what I am feeling. The song that keeps coming into my head over and over again is "Praise in this Storm" by Casting Crowns. I love the song, but I truly never felt that in my present lifetime I would feel that my life would have any glimpse of comparison to the song. I never thought that I would experience having to deal with the death of a child. I cannot even begin to describe my feelings right now. I feel like maybe I just need to cry, but when I cry I remind myself that I need to stay strong for my healthy baby boy.
The terrible news came yesterday, but I had a bad feeling since I woke up Monday morning. Don't ask me how, but I knew that something very sad had taken place on Sunday evening. I will never forget that God gave me a brief moment to grief my little baby without me even knowing it. Kyle and I had a great day on Sunday spending time together and enjoying each other's company. We went over to see our new home and then once we got home and had hung out for a little I felt very tired. Kyle thought I was crazy to suggest going to be at 8:15, yet didn't argue. We both got ready for bed and then Kyle suggested that he hold me while we watch some of our favorite HGTV shows. At about 9pm I remember mentioning to Kyle that I needed him to hold me tighter because I had the overwhelming feeling of sadness for a moment. I can't even describe the moment, but I knew something was terribly wrong with someone. (I didn't know that at that moment my little baby perhaps breathed his last breath) Call it a mother's intuition, but I knew that there was a reason to be very sad. I didn't shed a tear, but it was like God prepared me for what was to come. All night long my husband just held me and we fell asleep. Monday morning when I woke up Kyle was in a great mood and I remember that he thanked me for having a special night with him.
Looking back now I realize that after Sunday evening I never felt our little one move again. I had a fairly slow day on Monday and decided to go to bed early again because I had my doctor's appointment in Eugene on Tuesday. Kyle wasn't able to go because he had taken the entire week before off because he was sick with the flu. My mom went with me. I knew instantly that something was wrong.
The sonographer was very impressed with Baby A's growth (no names made public yet) she kept mentioning yet again that they are quite impressed with the size of our baby's feet among other things. (Daddy has to be proud) Anyways, she slid the monitor across where I knew Baby B to be and she immediately began measuring his femur bone. When I asked what his heartbeat was, because I noticed that she had missed that first step, she hesitated. She said the words that I never thought I would have to hear, but she said, "Amber, I am sorry but I can't detect a heartbeat for your baby today." I was glad to have my mom there, because she knows that I need to keep busy and after I cry I need to be left alone. She went into total nurse mode, but then I had to wait about an hour for the doctor to come talk to me because he was already counseling another patient in the room next to mine. (God needed more angels in Heaven) Anyways, to make the medical language short and sweet I will give the short version of what has to happen now. I will be still delivering twin boys, however I get to take one home and God has already welcomed our little one home with Him. Kyle and I haven't decided exactly what to do yet for our baby and also whether or not we will publicize his name yet, but we will be naming him and will be doing something to honor our son.
I appreciate prayers and support right now. This is going to be a difficult next three months. Lots of people know that I was pregnant with twins and it is only right that when they see me they ask how my boys are doing. I just have to be strong when I answer that I know they are both fine, but explain that one is now in Heaven. I will have the chance to see him on earth for a brief visit, but I don't want his death to overshadow the wonderful blessing that God is also going to give us a living breathing wonderful baby boy. I guess to end with the song that I said had been going over and over in my head. I guess that my choice to praise God in this storm stems from the blessings that he has given me. He loves Kyle and I enough to trust us with a precious life and for whatever amount of time we get to spend with that miracle we are truly blessed. I feel strong sadness when I think of the millions of women that struggle to conceive or go through this with single births and don't get the opportunity to bring home a baby. I just remain convinced that my other son will do fine and come home to be loved by his mommy and daddy on earth.
Thanks for letting me vent blogworld. I may write more later, but for now I needed to get my thoughts down before I let them blend into this pregnancy related forgetfulness.
