2018: Being Intentional

Each year our family chooses a word and/or motto to use as our theme for the remaining twelve months. This year I adopted the phrase, Be Intentional. I am the type of person that normally goes a hundred miles an hour in several different directions and then wonders why I am tired all the time. The first step that I took in being intentional this year is to make myself go to bed much earlier. This is easier to do because I am also forcing myself to wake up early to go to the gym for at least 30 minutes a day. So far I have only missed 2 days. I find myself less tired, yet more ready for bed at night.

My free time has also been more intentional. I have actually said no to two pretty big requests. In previous years I would have been reluctant to say no out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or seeming too inclusive. I discovered in my self-reflection that I don’t have a lot of free time and when I do have that time I want to be with my circle. My circle needs to be small for me to process all the things that still need processing. I am at nearly 3 years in my most recent cycle of loss. Loss isn’t new to me, but it still is new in the sense that I have had huge and wonderful buffers shielding me from truly dealing with my loss. I happen to think that my sister had a role in developing some of these buffers. Up until 2 hours before her passing she was making sure that Kyle understood her request for us to have another baby. God is so good to provide me with Ashlin Grace; she has been such an anchor to showing me how beautiful life can be. Both of my kids bring me such joy.

Back in 2008 our family looked around for something to do in honor of our son Jackson. Our original intention was to create an annual fundraiser where we could raise money to give to a NICU family in need. When our fundraiser exceeded all expectations we started our annual NICU Christmas bags. We followed this Christmas tradition with participating in March for Babies the following year. We have participated in nine March for Babies events and two larger scale fundraising events since then. Not counting the most recent Signature Chef Auction that raised over 100k, our family team has raised nearly 50k during our nine years of involvement. Kyle and I have always said that we would walk until we had to be “wheeled to the finish line.” Imagine my heart’s reluctance when we started to approach the 10^th year and it was being nudged to take the year off.

We haven’t made this decision lightly. We have prayed, counseled, and created lists, but keeping with our 2018 motto it came down to being intentional. We will NOT be participating in March for Babies this year. There are a number of reasons we have come to this decision, but the biggest is that we have been given a local opportunity to raise funds for something that needs to be done as quickly as possible. The RiverBend Hospital in Springfield is currently raising funds to build a MUCH needed Guest House with completion set for December 2018. During our stay in 2016 we were told that this project was years away; we spoke to staff and promised each other that when the opportunity arrived we wanted to help in any way possible.

This year the March for Babies event has moved again and changed leadership. Instead of feeling overly frustrated at the changes we saw it as an opportunity for us to take a year off and regroup. We are praying that they find new leadership to revamp and restructure the walk in our area, but until then we will put our money and fundraising efforts towards local charities that need our help. We are asking that in lieu of your annual donation to March of Dimes on our families’ behalf that you consider making a donation directly to the RiverBend Guest House fund. I will be providing the address and online donation link as soon as I receive it. They may have a scheduled walk at a later time with Ronald McDonald Charities, but at this time we ask that you just make a donation in memory and/or honor of someone you know that has spent time in the NICU.

Kyle and I were fortunate to be able to stay nearly 60 days in the original Guest House located at the old hospital when Bronson was born in 2007. Although this structure remains (being donated for other use) it is several miles away and depending on the time of day can require a very long car ride for parents to get to and from the new NICU. While Ashlin was in the NICU we moved our 1980s 5^th wheel up to the hospital where were provided with an electrical hookup. We had to be very careful about our water/sewage usage during those 2 weeks, but again felt humbled to have a place to stay that was close to our baby. This was not an ideal place to stay as there were several abandoned trailers in the area and some illegal activity that went on at night. The couple of nights that Kyle had to go home I requested either my mom or a friend to stay with me because I didn’t feel safe. We casually suggested to the nurses that it would be amazing if the hospital could get some of the land nearby to build a Guest House or a certified full hook up for NICU families. All of us joked as if it was a pipe dream. Well, those dreams are becoming a reality. I have been told that the RV hook up will be a next phase, but this phase is a fully functioning Ronald McDonald House for NICU families and long-term hospital families. Pediatric families will be able to stay free of charge with the remaining rooms being rented for $40 night to those in long term care for the rest of the hospital.

A few details about the project: Peace Health donated the land for the house. Sacred Heart Foundation needs to raise a total of $6 million to build the house. They have raised $3 million so far. Let’s see how much of a dent our family fundraising can do. Please let me know if you are interested in being a Sacred Heart Foundation sponsor and I will send you more information. Consider making the same donation you would normally make to March of Dimes. These funds will be used to build a house to help NICU families during their stay; what better way to support families in the NICU. Thank you for helping us create an intentional fundraiser for 2018.

Scheduling Time to Cry

The night of October 16, 2015, I sat on the closet floor of my master bedroom held in the arms of my husband. On earth, he is my rock! As he began to speak truth over my life and explain that I needed to allow myself to fully feel each and every emotion; I knew that he also wanted a reprieve from the constant waves of anger that seem to slip so easily from my mouth.

Crying becomes the hardest thing to do sometimes. I know that I have written about this before in my Major Meltdown or when I blogged about my tears in heaven. I am guilty of giving myself headaches from holding back the tears. Why is it so hard to admit that I am sad and that I miss my sister? I miss the fact that I can’t just pick up the phone and call her about “stupid” stuff anymore. I shared at her funeral that the verse that played repeatedly in my head after her death is that, Jesus wept. The shortest, but one of the strongest verses in the bible. He knew pure sadness and did not hold back. 

As my husband held me through my melt down on the six-month anniversary of losing my sister he said the following statement that has allowed me so much freedom lately, “Even if we are sitting in this exact same place and you are feeling this exact same way, it is okay. It is okay to feel, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to cry. Stop scheduling your time to grief, stop allowing yourself only Thursdays, the 16ths of each month, or special occasions. Feel this fully.”

Yesterday after a fitful night of sleep and feeling as if even the slightest comment could break the dam of tears I climbed into the bath at 5pm and later fell into bed in a full fledge fit of tears. As my massage therapist suggested I laid face down and let myself completely feel the loss. Kyle came in and spoke words of love and encouragement to me, but also realized that I needed to just feel the heartache. You cannot truly feel the loss of someone unless you allow yourself to have some quiet moments. I also realized that my anger isn’t directed at God, but at the fact that the world is full of sin and that Jesus has so much more work for us to finish before He returns.

As I continue my break from Facebook and focus on the things that I need; more time in the word, more time with my family, more coffee with friends, and time to reflect I might find myself with more puffy eyes, but I won’t apologize for unscheduled times for tears.

Facebook Fast

Facebook is something that I do many times a day. It is part of my job, my social connections, and a total time waster; let’s just be real. I love the ability to connect with old friends from across the world, but I also have begun to resent the fact that the majority of my friends and family feel that utilizing Facebook as the only form of communication is completely acceptable. I am of the group that does not think it is acceptable for a close friend or family member to only send you a Facebook Happy Birthday. Come on…sending them a text to their phone is better than a “wall message.” 

I am currently completing a You Version (iPhone Bible App) bible reading plan titled, #Struggles. As I was scrolling through the many options for a daily devotion I landed on this one and it spoke directly to me. I don’t find myself envious of other’s on Facebook, but I find myself struggling not be to be stressed. Did I remember to pray for the 15^th person that has asked me to pray? Was I kind enough to so and so when they told me about their struggles? Did I miss an event that someone really wanted me to go to? Oops, another birthday of an acquaintance realized a day later! Yes, these are just a few of the #Struggles I have been experiencing during my time on social media. It overwhelms me. 

As I have completed some personal reflection recently I realized that I am a person of deep affection and commitment. I long for deep and meaningful relationships. I am not very interested in surface level or the amount of friends that I have in my back pocket. I enjoy spending quality time with people whether it be a monthly phone call, coffee date, or weekend excursion. I don’t like to involve myself in relationships that I don’t have time for. If you are in my circle, I want to be available to help you if you need me. As I focus on the biblical aspect of this feeling I keep coming back to Jesus and His disciples. Jesus of course reached many throughout His three year mission, but he wasn’t close with all. He loved His people deeply, but I feel strongly that there was a reason that he had 12 disciples vs. hundreds. As I focus on His example I realize that my desire to have deep connections with fewer people is my desire to be able to share life, Jesus, and grace with those in my circle. 

This does not give me an excuse to be mean or not engage in activities with others, but it allows me breathing room to not have to be close friends with hundreds. The current bible plan that I am gives some valuable lessons, while sharing scripture that have inspired me to continue on this journey. 

“Social media should be a place to see what’s happening in the lives of those you love-not the place to make you envy. Let’s rejoice with those who rejoice.” I would not call my response envy, but I would often call it judgmental or irritated. If I am constantly having to hide someone’s updates or when I read them I am led to be angry or upset, why am I still reading or Facebook friends with this person?

“We have to make sure technology is enhancing our relationships, not replacing them. We need to ensure our ability communicate doesn’t prevent us from talking more while actually saying less.” –YouVersion Bible Application #Struggle

2 John 1: “I have a lot to write to you. But I don’t want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope I can visit you. Then I can talk with you face to face. That will make our joy complete.”

Overwhelmed

Prior to Ashley passing away this last April we had many discussions about the impact of social media; both negative and positive. I remember one such conversation being late at night after several posts were made on her account by a “hacker” insinuating that Ashley was pro-suicide for those suffering from terminal illnesses. Ashley always told me that at some point I was going to feel strongly that I needed a break from social media and that whether it was immediate or far into the future, I would know without a doubt that God was calling me into a closer relationship with him.

It has been a little over six months since my best friend (little sister) left this world and went into the arms of Jesus. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her and long for those late night conversations, but more importantly I love when our conversations come up as reminders of when I face new life decisions. Directly following Ashley’s death social media, texts, emails, and even the frequency of cards arriving in the mail became overwhelming. I struggled with the decision of whether or not to take a break from the social media, but did not feel the huge push as I knew that people needed to see the impact that Ashley’s final words, life, and joy brought into our lives. I knew that our original mission for Ashley’s Facebook Page: Praying for Ashley Sult needed to be finished. She had already asked that her personal Facebook page be deleted as soon as possible after saving pictures for Oaklen. I honored her wishes and did this as quickly as I could with tears in my eyes over the beauty of the life she had captured in such beautiful pictures.

A couple of months after things had settled down I made the decision to keep the Praying for Ashley Sult page open, but to change the name to Family and Friends of Ashley Sult so that we could utilize the platform as a way to communicate prayer requests for other LMS fighters and update those interested in our advocacy for cancer cures.

Recently I hit the point of OVERWHELMED. Perhaps it is because I can no longer pretend that Ashley is on a trip, maybe it is because I am realizing that God desires a stronger relationship with me, or maybe it is because no one can possibly be “close” friends with over 400 people, but I decided that November would be my month of No Facebook. This is an extremely interesting month for me to called to this task as it also International Prematurity Awareness month and I normally use this month to share facts about prematurity and our NICU awareness, but friends and God reminded me that those that actually follow my page know our story at least to some extent and would support me whether I share 30 days of facts with them or not. I also don’t think it is mandatory to share my #thirtydaysofthankfulness either. 

As soon as I made the decision to physically delete the Facebook app from my phone I knew that I needed to make an active plan how to make the next 30 (or more) days count. Here is what I came up with:

• Create a quiet time with God both morning and night when I would normally be checking my friends’ status updates.
•  Journal more
• Blog more
• Leave electronic devices at home when going out on dates or participating in family activities (use the camera that I want to learn how to better use)
• Make phone calls to those that I care about or simply send them a card in the mail letting them know how thankful I am for their impact in my life.
• Create times throughout the month that allow for face to face time with my family and friends
•   Allow myself to “just be.” This includes having nights when I change into my pajamas directly after work and snuggle on the couch with Bronson while watching entirely too much TV.

In my next post I will share what has been happening to my heart in just the last five days of my Facebook Fast…