Extreme Home Makeover

Did anyone else watch Extreme Home Makeover tonight? I did because I was told that the people being honored with a new home were a couple that did a lot of work for March of Dimes and also had a premature infant. I am glad that I watched the show, but realized in the middle that it brought forward an EXTREME flood of emotions. I don't normally watch the show because it has the ability to make me cry extremely hard for complete strangers, but tonight was even different. The woman on the show was such an inspiration. She had taken her experience as a NICU mommy and turned it into something positive by helping others in similar situations. She has became famous for photographing infants that are either stillborn or have very little time left on earth.

This was the part that hit an emotional nerve with me. My biggest regret in regards to Jackson is that we did not have photographs taken. These are some of my most private thoughts when I think about the day that I delivered our twins. I regret that I was too overcome by emotions and fear that I didn't take the time to treasure the few moments that Kyle and I had with our heavenly angel. Part of this was beyond my control, things weren't done exactly how they were supposed to be done. I know that he was no longer here on Earth, but I wish for just once that I had the opportunity to hold him or that I had just one picture of his precious body. Kyle sometimes talks about how much Bronson looks like him. I struggle to recall such memories because the memory of seeing him still sometimes strikes such a painful nerve. The only things that I physically have of Jackson are his footprints and two photographs that a nurse took of his little feet. I thank God for people such as the woman on Extreme Home Makeover that do a professional job of helping families preserve such an intimate moment in their lives. I would suggest that anyone that is ever put into this type of situation have the opportunity to have pictures taken of their loved one. I also thank God for the many nurses that helped us during our time at Sacred Heart. The two nurses that helped us by creating a memory box for Jackson are so very near and dear to my heart.

Major Meltdown

This weekend I blew up!!!! At first I couldn't understand where all of the anger was coming from. I couldn't even boil noodles. I made a full pot of spaghetti and ended up having to remake the noodles because I spilt them all over in the sink and on the floor. Kyle watched all of this unfold and knew something was wrong. He instantly scooped Bronson up and took him to look at Christmas lights. He said later that he knew that I was about ready to fall apart, but he knew that I needed some space. This was the day that we decided to take the time to decorate for Christmas. I started the day off fine, but slowly I started becoming a mess. Kyle and I never really enjoy decorating the tree together because it normally starts a fight. He hates the mess that the tree makes and I have a "certain" order to how I like the tree to look. I decided that it really wasn't fair for Bronson to just watch mommy decorate the tree, so I let him help hang the last ornament on the tree with daddy's help.

After all of the decorations were done is when the dinner began to fall apart. I became a raving lunatic. I couldn't even think clearly. I was so angry towards Kyle that I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling. We had dinner and then things started becoming a bit clearer. I AM ANGRY BECAUSE IT IS DECEMBER. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong...but this month is the hardest yet. I explained to Kyle who was having similar feelings that I am looking forward to and also dreading the 28th of this month. It will be a year since I got to lay eyes on my precious son, Jackson. It is also a day for serious celebration. Our son Bronson will turn 1 years old. I am so amazed that he has made it so far.

During a long talk with Kyle I discovered one serious issue that I am having. We still have not taken steps towards dealing with Jackson's remains. They remain in a beautiful box in Bronson's room. No one would even know that they were his ashes unless I told them, but it is beginning to really bother me. This has been a serious strain between Kyle and I. We can't decide what is the best way to honor both Jackson and provide our family with closure. I need CLOSURE. I will NEVER get over losing my son, but I need to be able to close this chapter in my life. I am the one that every two days goes into Bronson's room and dusts off the box and tries not to think of what lays inside. I obsess over whether it is more honoring to spread the ashes or bury them. I obsess over if I should get a headstone or place a plaque on the rock up at our family cemetery. I also dread making a decision. Sometimes I wish that the decision would just be made for me and I could be done. Well, Kyle made the decision and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

I made the call yesterday and a plaque is being made with his name. We are also going to purchase a statue to sit on our beautiful, Lindsay's grave. Kyle and I will spend our 5th wedding anniversary (12/27) spreading our son's ashes at the location of where he proposed to me over 7 years ago. God was fully in these decisions. I had been thinking of this plan for awhile, yet when we talked the words flowed so smoothly from Kyle's mouth exactly what I hoped he would say. We both agreed that this would be a day that would mean something to both of us and allow for a small part of closure in dealing with the death of our son. I write these thoughts down so if anyone out there is dealing with a similar situation they will know that they are not alone. My heart is broken. God is busy repairing it. I physically can feel this pain, yet I know that God will provide healing. I try not to think of this too often, but it is hard to remain in the present when you know someday you will see your angel baby in heaven. I am so lucky to have both Kyle and Bronson in my life. Bronson is such a blessing to Kyle and I. He reminds us daily that God answers prayers and that he will provide our family with healing.

December will be a hard month for our family, but also a month of celebration. In today's world it is a proud accomplishment to be able to say that we have been married for 5 years. We also will be celebrating our son's 1st birthday. Most importantly we will be celebrating God's promise, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. We hope that you all have a very Merry Christmas and we promise to provide you with lots of happy picture posts to follow.

A moment to reflect...

Tomorrow, the 18th marks the day that I have not been looking forward to for the past year. It marks the last day that I ever felt the little pitter patter of Jackson's feet. It marks the last day that I actively felt baby "b" moving around and hogging all of the room from baby "a." It marks the beginning of me becoming a mommy starting a very long, sometimes painful, mostly rewarding journey. Today I actually miss the feeling of being pregnant. I have three very close friends (sorry, still top secret) that have shared their upcoming blessings. It reminds me of the different events of being pregnant.

I remember Bronson's personality (baby "a") as being the quite sleeper of the two. Jackson (baby "b") was our active one. I actually found out that he was a boy at 15 weeks because he wouldn't stop putting his little bottom up to the ultrasound to show off. It is hard to explain how you can bond with a baby that you never were able to physically hold or get to know, yet I feel that I distinctly felt his personality. Today I made a huge step towards letting my heart be mended.

Bronson has decided that one of his very favorite toys is my preemie cabbage patch doll. He carries it all over the place. He especially loves to hold it and pat the head while his daddy holds him. Mom commented that if he was going to be carrying a doll around, it might be better if he were dressed like a boy. I thought for a minute and then decided that there was really no reason to keep an outfit for a baby that was transformed into a beautiful body in heaven. I decided to let Bronson have his doll dressed in what would be Jackson's coming home outfit. For some reason this brought such peace over me. Bronson checked out his baby very seriously and then looked at the hat and pulled it off and laid a big smooch on his head. I love that he is so loving. I also love that my manly husband doesn't seem to mind that his baby boy loves dolls. He said that it only is teaching him to be loving to another baby. I also must add that it teaches him to one day be a kind and loving daddy. This small moment was so intensely healing for me.

I plan on keeping myself busy this week. I am trying not to dwell on our loss, but rather our gain. Bronson is such a blessing. Jackson's short life on earth in my tummy is also a blessing. We were once told that we may never have kids, so who I am I to complain of having just one to raise. I feel overly blessed that I once had two and got to feel the movement of these two little ones growing inside me. I still miss my baby, but I guess I just have to continue to think happy thoughts to get through this sad week.