Bronson William Deets

Our son has arrived. The next couple of months are going to be extremely hard, but with a little patience and love he is going to be the strongest boy ever. Stats are: Born at 3:08 pm on December 28, 2007. Weighs 2 pounds, 4 ounces. Length 13.5 inches. Here are a few pictures of our beautiful son...

Letter to Family and Friends

The other night I finally finished a letter that I have been meaning to write. Kyle and I both wanted to attach a letter to our thank-you notes from the shower. It wasn't an easy letter to write, but with some help from a website that I have been using quite a bit I was able to write a decent letter to our family and friends. I am still dealing with a lot of mixed emotions and it seems that everyday brings a different feeling across my life. Yesterday I was mixed with a deep and profound joy that I will be having a little baby soon to come home. Then a minute later I became terrified at the thought that anyone would mess or touch my other baby. I don't know if any other moms have experienced this feeling while pregnant, but I panic when I think of others even touching my babies after they are born...Is this a normal mommy feeling? I think it might stem from my whole experience, but also that I have been carrying these little ones in my tummy for almost seven months and I can't imagine them not being a part of me or right with me. Anyways, instead of getting on a tangent about all of my mixed up emotions, please read this letter and tell me what you think...

December 3, 2007


Dear Family and Friends,

As the very exciting day of the birth of our twins approaches, we are filled with the joy of anticipation. We recognize the many blessings that have come our way, and thank God with grateful hearts. We are also thankful for each of you, our family and friends. Your kindness and prayers have been an invaluable source of comfort and support. I want to thank you also your participation in my twin baby shower. This memory will last a lifetime for me and I am so grateful for all the wonderful gifts and wishes that I received. I am currently working on a memory box for our baby boy that will include all of our twin items and a journal that I have been keeping since I have been pregnant.

On November 20th, one week after my shower I learned the terrible news that one of our twins no longer had a heartbeat. I learned at this same appointment that our other baby was growing much better and that the doctors expect him to go close to full-term with no complications. For the wonderful six months that we reveled in the excitement of twins, the spirits of both babies were welcomed lovingly into our hearts and yours. This special summer will always be remembered fondly.

Upon hearing the news that we were no longer bringing home two boys, our doctor suggested that we discuss names for the babies and memorial options. We have decided that once both babies are born we will have a private memorial service for Kyle and I. We have also named both of our babies. Our healthy baby boy will be named, Bronson William Deets. We will call him “Beau” for short. This name is based on tradition and strength, which we would both like to raise our little one. Our little baby angel is named Jackson Ray Deets, after both my Grandpa Jack Hanson and Kyle’s Grandpa Ray Kerfoot. Both men hold very special spots in our hearts and we wanted a special name for Bronson’s guardian angel. In order to alleviate some of the grief that may overshadow the thrill and immense joy of delivery, we feel the need to formally offer prayers of love in memory of our special angel. Spiritually, Jackson has already arrived at his very special place in God's arms in heaven.

Thank you very much for your love and prayers, as we celebrate together both the upcoming joy of our baby's birth and the loving memory of his brother.

Love,
Amber & Kyle

Praise in a STORM

Warning...this is not one of those happy go lucky blogs that you will read and feel like bouncing around your house. I have a lot of emotions built up inside right now and I guess I feel that blogging is the best way to describe what I am feeling. The song that keeps coming into my head over and over again is "Praise in this Storm" by Casting Crowns. I love the song, but I truly never felt that in my present lifetime I would feel that my life would have any glimpse of comparison to the song. I never thought that I would experience having to deal with the death of a child. I cannot even begin to describe my feelings right now. I feel like maybe I just need to cry, but when I cry I remind myself that I need to stay strong for my healthy baby boy.

The terrible news came yesterday, but I had a bad feeling since I woke up Monday morning. Don't ask me how, but I knew that something very sad had taken place on Sunday evening. I will never forget that God gave me a brief moment to grief my little baby without me even knowing it. Kyle and I had a great day on Sunday spending time together and enjoying each other's company. We went over to see our new home and then once we got home and had hung out for a little I felt very tired. Kyle thought I was crazy to suggest going to be at 8:15, yet didn't argue. We both got ready for bed and then Kyle suggested that he hold me while we watch some of our favorite HGTV shows. At about 9pm I remember mentioning to Kyle that I needed him to hold me tighter because I had the overwhelming feeling of sadness for a moment. I can't even describe the moment, but I knew something was terribly wrong with someone. (I didn't know that at that moment my little baby perhaps breathed his last breath) Call it a mother's intuition, but I knew that there was a reason to be very sad. I didn't shed a tear, but it was like God prepared me for what was to come. All night long my husband just held me and we fell asleep. Monday morning when I woke up Kyle was in a great mood and I remember that he thanked me for having a special night with him.

Looking back now I realize that after Sunday evening I never felt our little one move again. I had a fairly slow day on Monday and decided to go to bed early again because I had my doctor's appointment in Eugene on Tuesday. Kyle wasn't able to go because he had taken the entire week before off because he was sick with the flu. My mom went with me. I knew instantly that something was wrong.

The sonographer was very impressed with Baby A's growth (no names made public yet) she kept mentioning yet again that they are quite impressed with the size of our baby's feet among other things. (Daddy has to be proud) Anyways, she slid the monitor across where I knew Baby B to be and she immediately began measuring his femur bone. When I asked what his heartbeat was, because I noticed that she had missed that first step, she hesitated. She said the words that I never thought I would have to hear, but she said, "Amber, I am sorry but I can't detect a heartbeat for your baby today." I was glad to have my mom there, because she knows that I need to keep busy and after I cry I need to be left alone. She went into total nurse mode, but then I had to wait about an hour for the doctor to come talk to me because he was already counseling another patient in the room next to mine. (God needed more angels in Heaven) Anyways, to make the medical language short and sweet I will give the short version of what has to happen now. I will be still delivering twin boys, however I get to take one home and God has already welcomed our little one home with Him. Kyle and I haven't decided exactly what to do yet for our baby and also whether or not we will publicize his name yet, but we will be naming him and will be doing something to honor our son.

I appreciate prayers and support right now. This is going to be a difficult next three months. Lots of people know that I was pregnant with twins and it is only right that when they see me they ask how my boys are doing. I just have to be strong when I answer that I know they are both fine, but explain that one is now in Heaven. I will have the chance to see him on earth for a brief visit, but I don't want his death to overshadow the wonderful blessing that God is also going to give us a living breathing wonderful baby boy. I guess to end with the song that I said had been going over and over in my head. I guess that my choice to praise God in this storm stems from the blessings that he has given me. He loves Kyle and I enough to trust us with a precious life and for whatever amount of time we get to spend with that miracle we are truly blessed. I feel strong sadness when I think of the millions of women that struggle to conceive or go through this with single births and don't get the opportunity to bring home a baby. I just remain convinced that my other son will do fine and come home to be loved by his mommy and daddy on earth.

Thanks for letting me vent blogworld. I may write more later, but for now I needed to get my thoughts down before I let them blend into this pregnancy related forgetfulness.

Home Sweet Home

Well other news. We are buying a house. We close on the 15th of this month and won't get possession until the 18th. Our plan is to have hardwood floors installed that next month and be able to start moving in the weekend after Thanksgiving. We are super excited about this little adventure and feel so blessed to be able to buy this home. Everything has went so smoothly and it has really helped to have such good friends helping us through this journey. Our great friend Amy has made this experience so easy and really dealt with a lot from my dear husband. I think that we have probably looked at over 20 houses, but I know that we are making the best decision. This will be affordable for us and also allow for me to not stress too much about work once our little babies get here.

The Expected Miracle

I decided to coin the title from one of our Associate Pastor's most recent sermons. This last one really impacted me. One comment that really stuck with me is why are we so surprised when God performs miracles? Why do we keep asking God to show us a miracle or losing faith when it doesn't seem to be working out our way? If we look back we will be able to note many instances of miracles being made by God. I could really go into the whole sermon that he did, but I guess that mostly I needed to hear that I need to take a moment out of my day and thank Jesus for what He has done for me.

I haven't written in this blog for awhile, so I guess the first bit of news is that we are not pregnant with just one little blessing, but are expecting two little boys. Kyle and I are so very excited for these little guys to come. God is sooo great. When I heard the phrase the expected miracle it made me take a moment to think of where I was just a year ago. I remember laying in our bed one night crying my eyes out after finding out that yet another friend of mine was pregnant. I had been told just six months after getting married that I had a severe case of Endometriosis and that if we didn't try to get pregnant soon there might not ever be a chance for us to have kids. Well, instead of following my husband's example and being led by faith I began to believe that I would never have kids. I became very angry that my husband kept pushing the idea of having kids to the side. I thought that he was basically playing rush and roulette. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of a trial that I would go through to see that God really does answer prayer and that if you fully rely on God he will answer your prayers.

Every time that I would have one of my melt downs my husband would gently rub my back and tell me that regardless of how I was feeling that he knew deep down that God would provide us with children the way that He saw fit. He never got upset or told me that I was being unreasonable, he just kept saying...Now, is not the time Amber!!! God will let us know when it is His time. Well, it was probably about a year ago that I let this get to a huge ugly head. I was really depressed so many people were popping up pregnant. I had a little niece on the way and I was totally excited, but wondered if I would ever experience the same joy. My husband kept telling me, I am still praying and we will have kids.

Well, look at our miracle today. We weren't entirely trying to have children and then boom on the same day that our house sold we found out that God had given us a miracle. I was soooo overwhelmed to find out that I was pregnant. Four weeks later when we found out that we were pregnant with twins, Kyle said the most amazing thing to me. (He still wasn't entirely ready to start a family.) He leaned over in the car and said, "Well, I guess that our babies will really know that they were planned. God planned all of this. Not only did He want us to have a baby, but he has blessed us with two little babies, just like you always wanted. Isn't God amazing?" Kyle was overjoyed at the prospect of having two babies.

Finding out that we are having boys has made this journey even more amazing. I always assumed that I would only have girls, so I was really shocked to find out that we are having two little boys. I am already referring to them as the boys!!! I can't wait for them to come. I just have to once again say that God is sooo good to us!!!

Growing Like a WEED!!!

I found out that you are a whole inch long today!!! I can't believe it; I can actually comprehend the size of your magnitude. You must have doubled in size over the weekend, because you are sure putting me through the ringer. Last night I almost cried watching a TV show with Kyle about guys surviving the wilderness. This wasn't at all supposed to be sad, but it put me in the mood. I have noticed that I am leveling out in terms of being grumpy. I am so touchy-feely with Kyle. I don't know why, but I constantly want to cuddle up and be held. I am not normally this kind of person.

Well this morning my little plan fell through. I now know that you have a mind of your own. I had truly thought I had gotten past the puking stage, but boy was I wrong. I kept the philosophy that this can all be controlled in your mind. My body finally took control of that idea this morning. Poor Kyle...he was leaving for work when he heard it start in. I had discovered last week that toothbrushing is getting pretty difficult to do without gagging. (Don't worry, I am still brushing my teeth at least twice a day) But anyways this morning there was no holding back I instantly began getting sick and Kyle walked into the bathroom to comfort me just as the worse came. Poor guy, he sat there and rubbed my back while soothing the uncomfortable feeling I was in. He is going to be such a good daddy!!! I know that he is a wonderful husband already, but this just proves his patience. He didn't even once seem revolted at the fact I was standing in my towel getting sick in the bathroom. Gotta love this guy!!!!

Quick recap of this past weekend...I am trying to journal as much as I can so that I can keep track of this period in my life. Kyle and I went out on a date Friday night and went and saw, "I now pronounce you, Chuck and Larry." I wasn't thrilled about seeing this film, but I even have to admit that it was pretty funny. On Saturday we both spent the day hanging out with some friends. I went to Joe Sult's 30th birthday party with Christen and then we checked out the Josh Gracin concert. I wasn't that impressed, but it might have been the fact that two enormously rude women wouldn't sit down in front and kept the entire two back rows from being able to see in front of them. Oh, yeah I went to the fair that day with my mom, Chuck, Austin, Olivia, and grandma and grandpa. We had lots of fun and food. Olivia loved watching the amusement rides and thought that the colors moving around were a private little show just for her. I love her smile so much and enjoyed watching her get so happy over watching all the shapes and colors.

Sunday was an o.k. day. Kyle and I went to the Dallas Summerfest Car Show for a little while and then went and saw another movie. This one sucked...License to Wed. Don't go see it. Kyle slept through the entire thing. The Car Show was fun except that I got way too sunburnt. Overall, our weekend was pretty good. Kyle and I even managed to go to the parade this year, which is a first. I guess that we are getting our practice in for later. Here's to a great week of news!!!!

Not feeling well, but still happy as can "bee"

This week has been a huge pain in the butt. I have had no ambition at work and I can't seem to stay focused. It doesn't help that 24/7 I feel the urge to run to the bathroom and get sick. I am keeping the philosophy that mind over matter does work. So far, so good!!! I really shouldn't be complaining. I am super happy!!!! I love this time in my life, I just don't want to be sick the whole time. This past weekend was lots of fun. Kyle's Uncle Rick and Michelle came down and stayed at Ann and Bill's. Other than Saturday when I nearly passed out from a horrible headache, we had a blast!!! It was nice being able to relax and enjoy some time with our family. Kyle and I have made a pact to spend as many weekends as we can in Blodgett. I just feel totally relaxed going there for the weekend. Ann is such a caretaker and makes dinner for us and I can just relax without worrying about anything else. It is nice to be able to take my mind off of everything that is going on at the house. Including lots of work to do. Well, this is kind of a pointless blog, but I have been trying to post at least once a week during this process.

Kyle bought me a different car last night. I am really excited about it. I will post some pictures of it as soon as we get a new bumper. It is a 2000 Honda Civic. Much like the car that I bought brand new in college. Only this one is an automatic and has air conditioning. The two features that I said were a must. Did I mention that it only has 56,000 miles on it? Amazing deal we got. Total God Thing. We were actually buying a different car when the guy called on this car and Kyle just got an urge to say no to the deal and go look at this car. We are really happy with our decision. It made a great adventure, including us stopping at Chili's at close to 10 for dinner. It was nice to be able to spend time with my honey without the interruption of cell phones and other people. Well, I am really hoping that this week gets better. Wish me luck!!!