Can't Sleep Again...

It is past 2am and I can't go to bed. I have too many thoughts swimming around in my head. I haven't been feeling well the last couple of days and it is really getting to me. I am not pregnant for those of you that keep asking. I just feel sick. I think I could just be going through a funk right now. This month has been hard so far. I was started to wonder why I had this sudden intense feelings of emotion and then I realized that two years ago this month began my pregnancy journey. I hope that this gets better with years, but for some reason this month has been hard on Kyle and I both. We are both really missing Jackson. I think it has to do with the fact that when we were told we were having twins we always pictures our two little boys walking around together. I always pictured them at about 18 months strolling hand in hand in our back yard. I guess you could say that I am missing the memories that I thought we would have. It also doesn't help that when I have to clean rooms of this house I keep finding journals and letters that I wrote to myself in the midst of my darkest times. I am glad that I kept record of these times so that later I can look back and realize how far I have come. I just wish I could deal better with this month.

Amber G., I got my tears back. As I sit here and write this the flood gates have opened. I am really hurting for Bronson. Kyle and I have noticed an increase in his need to be around other kids. We don't want him to get sick, but we know that he needs to be socialized. It just hurts to know that if Jackson were here, he would have a constant playmate. I love my little boy so much, I just want to make the best of this situation, but I also realize that I need to deal with this too.

Some of you may know of the situations that we are dealing with in regards to family. It has now been a month since we have spoken. My biggest problem with the situation is that I feel that they are missing out on sooooo much of my son's life. When they decide to change is it going to be too late? Sorry this is so random, but at 2am what can you expect?

Where have I been?

These past couple of weeks have went by in a whirlwind. I realized tonight that I still haven't even deposited Kyle's paycheck. No, I am not depressed. I just have a lot on my mind lately. Kyle and I are doing really good at getting things done around our house. I even managed to purchase a new rug for our living room that I LOVE! We had picked it out over a month ago, but I had to wait until it went on sale before buying it. I am trying to have patience when I really want something for our house. I know that we have lived here for 1 1/2 years, but I can't always have everything right away. Sales are a good thing and it makes you appreciate your purchase all the more when you wait and get it for a decent price. Our living room and dining room are really starting to come together. This place is finally starting to feel like a home. I think that until a couple of months ago I still kind of missed our 1st place. It wasn't very big, but it just felt finished from the time that we moved in. I think that it helped that it had such a BEAUTIFUL backyard. I miss having a nice backyard, but that will happen soon here. It is on our list of things to do this summer, but we are not going to stress about it.

Bronson no longer crawls. It is amazing how much he is changing. It is kind of sad, but happy at the same time. Today I caught him making sound effects with his little toy Einstein. It made me realize that all of the sudden is passing through the baby stage. I am lucky that he still loves to cuddle me for sometimes hours a day, but I know that soon this will change. He is such a great little guy, despite his recent ability to throw tantrums. Everyone says that it will pass, but I am not taking this stage very easily. Most of the time it seems that his anger is directed towards me. I don't know why!!! Whenever I start to get a little fed up, I remember that his strong will and determination are the reasons that he is here today.

Well, I better go to bed tonight. This coming weekend marks our first car show of the season and Kyle and I have lots to get done. I need to go pay the bills! I enclosed a picture of our little monkey that always motivates me to get a move on.

Bronson's 1st Trip to the Zoo

The boys on the elephant bike

The Deets Family

Daddy and Bronson on the train

Landen's girlfriend

We spent the day at the zoo yesterday with some great friends. We met up with Noah and his family and took Jim and Christen along for Bronson's 1st experience. We have decided that we probably won't take Bronson again until he is closer to 3, but he still had a great time. It was also nice for all of us to get to see Noah, Breazy, and Landen. Kyle and Noah were really close in grade school and our sons are only a year apart. Bronson wasn't really that interested in the animals, but loved watching Landen do stuff that was deemed BIG BOY. He demanded that we let him walk for pretty much the entire zoo route and decided to stay awake the entire day. We are still trying to get him back on a semi-schedule today. We think his favorite part was the train ride. My favorite memory was when I was showing him a big bear and all the sudden Bronson responded with, "Wow, a tree!" He loves trees and they seemed to be more interesting to him than the animals. Also, we found that because it was so hot many of the animals were hiding and we weren't able to see them. We did have a great time, but think Bronson will enjoy it better when he is older. For this trip, I did take pictures!

Memories of a Parent

Don't you just love listening to members of your family tell stories about you when you were little that you don't remember? Especially stories about you when you were a baby. I have noticed that in the age of data that we become more and more accustomed to toting our cameras wherever we go. I also notice that I take a great deal of time taking pictures when Kyle and I take Bronson places. When I was little people still took a great deal of pictures of me (I was the 1st grandchild on my mom's side), yet a lot of the stories that my parents have told me do not have pictures to back up their stories.

On Friday night Kyle and I decided to take Bronson to the Dallas Aquatic Center. I had already taken him recently to play with Connor, but wanted daddy to see Bronson in action. I purposely left the camera at home so that I could just enjoy the experience and capture the memories in my heart rather than digitally. Kyle and I both had a great time with Bronson. We have spent the weekend replaying how much fun we had. I would have loved to have a picture of him floating down the lazy river in a inner-tube, but feel that the memory in my heart is all the more precious. Some memories between families should just stay that sentimental.

Bronson: 17 Month Update

Bronson eating chocolate for breakfast
The Fabulous Foursome with baby at Silver Creek Falls

The Deets Family at Silver Creek Falls

Mommy and Daddy on Weekend Away

Bronson's New Haircut

What a great smile he has...

This blog is a day early because I am feeling well rested. Kyle and I just got back from a much needed vacation with four of our great friends to Sunriver. Bronson spent the weekend with Grandma and Grandpa in Blodgett. We think he must have had a great time playing in his new pool and sandbox, because he didn't act like he really wanted to leave. Although Kyle and I missed him very much this was a great vacation for us. We spent the weekend floating the river, watching movies, shopping, and riding bikes. It was also nice to spend some time getting to know Jill's husband, David better. The guys had quite the adventures together, including an unplanned 8 mile bike ride before dinner. (Next time remember not to lock your keys in the other vehicle Jim).

Here are some quick stats for Bronson's update:

• He weighs around 20 pounds
• He is 30 1/2 inches tall
• He has 7 teeth
• He says: mama, dada, ya-ya, banana, TREE (his favorite), no-no, Huey, please, thank-you and other random words when he wishes
• He signs: all done, more, thank-you, please, and eat
• He walks more than crawls
• He loves swimming
• He had his 1st haircut by daddy on Memorial Day and now looks all boy
• He now is trying to have regular playdates with Nathan and Ayden, but due to sickness hasn't had as many as mommy would like.

Love to all-Amber

Sharing Salvation

You may have noticed while reading my blog that I choose to share a great deal about God's blessings in my life. I realize while reading through the history of my blog that I don't often open up about my testimony or what salvation means to me. I had this idea pop into my head at 1am this morning about a blog titled, sharing salvation.

What causes someone to share their testimony or the story of Jesus Christ? Why is it that I have an easier time sharing the gospel with a perfect stranger than with a member of my family? I haven't pondered this question in awhile until I begin reading the end of my book, Riven by Jerry Jenkins. The pastor in the book is incredibly distraught because he doesn't feel that he is bringing anyone to the Lord. I began to realize that I am not doing enough to share the gospel with others. I know that actions sometimes speak louder than words, but I often find myself upset with members of my family and hesitate to show them the love that I know that I need to.

I don't claim to be perfect, just forgiven. I am not religious. I believe that my salvation is based on a relationship with Jesus Christ and by accepting the truth that He has died for my sins so that I may have eternal life in heaven. I am stuck by the awful realization that I am a minority in my family. I was not raised in a Christian home. I actually attribute my learning about Jesus to my step-dad, Kyle, who was at the time an atheist. He believed that we still needed to go to church and would drop my sister and I off at church every Wednesday for missionettes (a youth event sponsored by People's Church). I was led in the sinner's prayer when I was in the 2nd grade, but didn't even grasp an understanding of salvation until I was closer to 12.

I was baptised when I was 12 in Salem at my church that I attended with my now "saved" step-dad Kyle. I remember now that I didn't really understand what baptism was; I believed in Jesus, but didn't understand the reason for water baptism. I tried to live a good life during my high school years. I wasn't always the nicest person to people and didn't do the best of things, but I tried to stay out of trouble. I became heavily involved in a VERY radial church my sophomore year of high school and now realize how much the effects of that experience have stayed with me.

In 2001 Kyle (my boyfriend at this point) and I began attending Grace Community Church in Dallas. We were looking for a home church to learn more about God and to experience a church family without a super traditional atmosphere. Music was incredibly important to me. The people were important to Kyle. I chose to be re baptized in August of 2003 before getting married, to be able to rededicate my life to Christ. Kyle had been baptized by Pastor Guy when he was 8 years old and still felt that he had grasped the experience and what it meant. I attribute this to being raised in a christian home. I truly believe that having a strong family foundation in your life can affect your decision of whether you follow Christ.

I am choosing to share my story because I am personally struggling with some immediate decisions. I have a few people in my life that I love very much. I know that they do not have a personal relationship with God. I also know that their decisions are affecting their children's lives. I struggle because I don't want to ruin our relationship by bringing up their salvation, but I also don't want them to lose their souls for eternity. I long to be with my family someday in heaven. I know without a doubt that I will someday get to see my precious baby in heaven. I want these people to see their lost ones too. They continue to make very rash and horrible decisions for their lives and always wonder why it turns out the same. What should I do?

Are my tears in heaven?

I recently was talking to someone and explained to them that I have no more tears to cry. Why is that I am unable to cry for meaningful things in my life, but easily cry while watching something sad on tv? I noticed this last night as I began cleaning the house at 10pm. Grey's Anatomy really put me in an emotional mood. I think it is because cancer has affected my life and I don't take the diagnosis of cancer in a young person lightly. We never know when our time to go is, but only hope that we can give glory to God during our time on Earth.

My sister's good friend, Cody Williams was killed in an automobile accident this week and my heart broke as I listened to her cry from thousands of miles away. Although this event was incredibly sad to me, I can't find the tears to cry. I believe that my tears are being stored somewhere in heaven right now. I shed my fair share of tears in the months before Bronson was born and have shed numerous tears afterwards, but in the past 8 months it has been very hard for me to cry about anything in my life. It doesn't mean I don't care; I just can't cry.

I write this because sometimes I think we need a good cry. I cry my eyes out at tv shows and movies that are not even a part of my life. It seems refreshing to have a good cry. Maybe for now my outlet will be to turn on sappy tv shows and have a good cry. You sure do feel better afterwards.