Bottles

I wanted to make a quick note about a small thing with Bronson. My son doesn't hold his own bottle. He is able to hold his own bottle, but chooses not to. Does this bother me? NO!!! My mom mentioned this earlier this week that she had just realized that he was over a year old and still didn't hold his own bottle. I reminded her that I was well aware of this and didn't find a problem with it. When he wants to do something himself he will easily lift his sippy cup up for drinks or get a quick drink from his bottle when I am not watching.

To me, feeding your baby is one of the best experiences in the world. Unfortunately because of Bronson's prematurity he has never been a nursing baby. He gets all the benefits of breast milk straight from a bottle. I just take all of these feeding moments as a bonding time that I get the benefit of having. The only time that his lack of holding his own bottle bothers me is when we are traveling long distances and I have to pull over or sit beside him to hold his bottle. He cracks me up on his stubbornness!!! Also just a side note there are no plans to break the bottle habit any time soon. He is too little.

Christmas with Jesus

As I begin this post, my hope is that you wouldn't shake your head and ask when is she going to stop posting things like this. I can't help but use this as my online form for venting and getting through this journey. As I have said before, I will not get over it, but I hope to get through it and do better each day. I have spent this morning reflecting on the past holidays and all of the wonderful things that we were able to do with Bronson. He is such an amazing little guy. He has been adding lots of stress to Kyle and I lately with his lack of sleep, but we still continue to relic in all the joy he brings to our life.

I forgot to post earlier about a small outing that Ann, Bill, and I had on Christmas morning. This was a sobering event. I never thought that I would be joining them in leaving Christmas trees on Lindsay's grave, (one for Jackson and one for Lindsay) but we all made the journey up to Blodgett Cemetery to pay our respects to our little angels. I had a quick conversation with my friend Heather a few days before Christmas and I remember saying that she shouldn't worry about Jackson receiving gifts on Christmas, because he had the best gift of all. He got to be with Jesus celebrating His birthday!!! It was nice to take that small moment and reflect that God gets us through this hard times and does provide healing. I find myself constantly feeling a strong sense of peace when I picture Jackson up in heaven being taken care of by his Aunt Lindsay. I don't know what heaven is like, but it provides me comfort to think of him being with family and more importantly with his Heavenly father.

I was reading a blog today about another stillborn baby, Branson Call. His mommy had posted this poem in regards to their Christmas celebration and I felt the need to share it. This poem could apply to any of your angels, but I find it especially peaceful.

Spending Christmas with Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
for I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

I’ll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your Spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!

--Author Unknown--

Why?

Do I have to be reminded all the time with little things of my loss. Today at work I wanted to listen to some music on pandora.com (great site) and I couldn't remember my password. I did the email reminder to get my password and it flashed up on the screen. I had to take a quick second and catch my breath. It seems that during my pregnancy everything revolved around my babies and my password was babies...why? I had this happen the other day too when I tried to log onto a mommy site. It was twins with a #. Little things sometimes can be so frustrating. It just reminds me that at the beginning of my pregnancy I was so excited and full of hope. I need to remember this feeling daily to remind myself that God will provide. It seems that I use this saying several times a day to get through days like this...

Birthday Pictures

The date is wrong, 12-28-08 One Year's Old!!!!

Bronson and George the Monkey

All Ready for Cake

These two crack me up, Ayden and Bronson

Giddy up, Let's go Livie

Opening his cards

Eating his cupcake

Some more cake, he did so good

Best buds, Ayden and Bronson

Deets Family

Five minutes after everyone left, Nana put him to sleep

The monkey cake that I made, these were good...

December 28, 2008: Bronson's1st Birthday

Yeah, Bronson is ONE!!!!

Bronson,

You are such an amazing little guy. Each day that I get to be your mommy I am overwhelmed by the deep and indescribable love that I have for you. You are such a special little guy. I woke up the morning of your birthday and felt very strongly that the day was going to be full of celebration. Yes, we were celebrating the day of your birth, but more importantly the fact that you are an answer to my biggest prayer. I have always wanted to be a mommy and you are such a wonderful son. I am so happy to have you in my life. A few things that you should remember about your first birthday...we spent the morning taking professional pictures with your cousin, Olivia. We then tried to get you to take a nap, but you wouldn't. We threw you a gigantic birthday party where you were surrounded by 50 of your closest family and friends. Everyone loves you little man. Your birthday theme was Curious George. Daddy and I call you our little monkey man, because of your fondness for monkeys and your curious personality. We were so overwhelmed with all of the people that attended your party. We were once again reminded of the support that we have in raising you. You will always be provided an ample amount of love and attention from your family and friends. Mommy was deeply touched when two of your aunties made very special gifts. One a plate with all of your NICU pictures and the other a card written for your brother Jackson. I was glad that she recognized that you have a brother. I do not want you to live in the shadow of Jackson, yet I want you to know that you are an answer to prayer and such a miracle. Bronson, you amaze me. Continue to grow and strive for success!!! You intensity and affection are one of a kind!!! I love you Baby!!!

Love your mommy

For all of you:

-18 pounds, 3 ounces
-27 1/4 inches long (More than double his birth height)
-He says lots of words, but his favorite is da-da
-He loves to kiss and hug his family
-He has just started trying milk and is doing SOOO Good!!!
-His favorite activity in all the world is playing with daddy.
-He doesn't like car rides and requires someone to sit in back with him
-He doesn't crawl, but cruises all over the house

December 27, 2008

A special place
12-27-2008, Let's chose the path that God has led us

Proud parents of Bronson and Jackson, 5th anniversary 12-27-08

12-27-03

Marks our 5th wedding anniversary. Kyle and I had a surprisingly wonderful anniversary celebration despite the agenda of the day. I couldn't imagine my life without Kyle by my side. He is such a wonderful person and makes me want to be a better person. I am so happy that God led me to be Kyle's wife. He always makes me feel special and loved. We have had a really rough last year, but continue to be strong in our faith and deep love for each other.

We chose to spend our anniversary spreading the ashes of our precious son, Jackson. I was very anxious for the day; hoping that the weather would not spoil our plan. God once again provided for us and let us have an extremely intimate and wonderful experience. Kyle and I first visited the location of where he proposed to me December 22, 2001 (Cape Foulweather) and then decided to find a location that would be close in proximity to that site, yet very private. It was amazing that we were led to an extremely peaceful part of the Oregon Coast and were the only ones on the beach as we shared a very special moment. I was overcome with love for my husband as he led us in prayer for thanksgiving of our angel Jackson and for God giving us the opportunity to raise Bronson in a Christian home. Kyle poured his heart out as we walked hand in hand into the deep and freezing ocean to release Jackson's precious ashes. I am so happy with our decision and feel at peace with this extremely important day.

I am glad that we chose our anniversary to release Jackson's ashes. God is providing both of us with such healing in our time of sorrow. The day went very smoothly and I have felt a small part of closure in this process of grief. Thanks again for all of your prayers; we are so blessed to have such a supportive group of family and friends.

Christmas Season 2008

Grammie and Bronson on his 1st Christmas

Bronson in front of Grammie's tree

3 Generations of William Deets



Christmas morning

Eating French Toast

Bronson and Mommy putting a ribbon on the tree for Jackson

Bronson "riding" Olivia's bike

Bronson was so excited, Livia got shoes!!!

All of girls and kiddos

I have lots to catch up on, but I will first start with Bronson's 1st Christmas. I can't believe how well he did with all the people around. We started the holidays off at my mom's house in Blodgett. Bronson and Olivia celebrated her 2nd birthday first with a piece of cake. I let him try this cake out so that he had practice for his birthday party. Olivia is such a sweetheart to Bronson. Any gift that she would open would immediatley be given over to Bronson to play with. It didn't matter what it was as far as she was concerned it was meant for Bronson. She brought her bike over because she had to let "Baby Beau" ride on it. He LOVED it!!! Great idea for us for next year.

Christmas day Bronson got to try his first french toast and a little grape juice. He then wasn't too keen on the idea of opening presents. We helped him open most of his presents and then he took a nap while the four of us (Kyle, Ann, Bill, and I) opened presents. It was nice being able to slowly take the time to treasure each and every gift while he was napping. My family really spoiled me this year. They kept saying it was to make up for last year, but as far as I am concerned...Bronson was the best Christmas gift of all!!!! Kyle got me a new wedding ring for our fifth anniversary. It is beautiful!!!

We spent the rest of the day relaxing and Bronson and I managed to take a small nap together. Ann aka Grammie made us a fabulous prime rib dinner and Bronson ate more than his body weight in food. He scarfed down lots of prime rib, green beans, and even managed to use his own spoon to feed himself mashed potatoes. Our doctor commented that we wasted prime rib on a 1 year old; nothing is too good for our boy. He loves it!!!

We finished off the evening watching some family videos and planning for an all day shopping trip the following day. We decked Bronson out in Beaver attire and took him to Eugene for some returns and shopping for Kyle. We all spent some time relishing in the fact that Bronson was able to be with us and eat at Chili's when just last year we were there eating while worrying about our baby boy in the NICU.

We hope that you all had a fabulous Christmas season, this will be a holiday that we will never forget. We will never forget that the reason for this season is the birth of our savior Jesus Christ and this year more than anything we were struck by how blessed we are as a family. God is soooo good to us!!!!