It doesn't make it real...

I thought that by posting it in the local paper, it would make the situation more real. It still doesn't seem real. It has been four months since I laid eyes on my other baby. I refer to him as my other baby, because to me he is always going to be remembered as my tiny little baby that had so much spunk inside my tummy. Yes, his name is Jackson, however, I remember him better as my little baby "b." Our doctor suggested that we give him a name to help with the grieving process. I didn't know that it would also hurt a little piece of my heart everytime I heard someone call their little boy. I have had two situations in the last week where I hear a mom calling out to her little one, "Come here Jackson." I look to see a little chubby boy running to his mommy.

I am so blessed to have Bronson. I had a meltdown last week and asked Kyle why God decided that I needed to have this trial in my life. His answer was so profound and helped...a little. He said, to get Bronson. I don't for one minute take this lightly, however I wish that I didn't have to lose one of my babies to have one. One day a lady from my church said, well, you're lucky at least you will get to bring one baby home. I am extremely lucky to get Bronson, yet I wish that the day that I held him in my arms was not the same day that I had just a few small moments to say goodbye to his brother.

This last week I finally put both of my sons announcements in the paper. I didn't realize that many people from our church didn't realize that I gave birth to twins. I had thought that I had a sign on my head that explained the entire situation. This past Sunday I realized that all of those that went to my church and were without email didn't know about Jackson. They knew of the NICU experience with Bronson, but didn't know about the situation. One of our older friends said that he had seen our obituary in the paper and wanted to say how sorry he was. I didn't post the announcement for sympathy, I think I posted it to bring some sort of closure or maybe just to see it in black and white. Ann said, "It is much different to see it in black and white." What a statement. The posting made it seem a bit more real, yet I still feel like I am walking in a fog. Is this normal?

I celebrate my son's four month birthday today admist a meltdown of tears on my way home from work. I miss the thought of two little boys. Could I have done a good job with two? Would our life be so much different? I will never know. I will continue to praise God for my wonderful baby boy, yet go my entire life wondering about my other little one.

Here is the two announcements:

Jackson Ray Deets
Dec. 28, 2007

Jackson Ray Deets, infant son of Kyle and Amber Deets of Dallas, died Dec. 28, 2007, in Eugene. Jackson, a twin, was born on Dec. 28 at Sacred Heart Medical Center in Eugene. He was preceded in death by an aunt, Lindsay Deets. Survivors include his parents, Kyle and Amber Deets of Dallas; twin brother, Bronson Deets of Dallas; grandparents, Bill and Ann Deets of Blodgett and Chuck and Shellene Foster of Albany; aunts, Ashley Love, Alexis Page and Austin Foster, all of Oregon; and several great-grandparents in Oregon. In lieu of a service, his parents will be participating in the annual March of Dimes Walk in their son's honor. Contributions are suggested to March of Dimes at: www.marchofdimes.com. Musgrove Mortuary of Eugene handled arrangements.

And for Bronson's birth announcement:

Bronson William Deets was born to Kyle and Amber Deets of Dallas at 3:08 p.m. Dec. 28, 2007, at Sacred Heart Medical Center in Eugene. He weighed 2 pounds, 3.40 ounces, and was 13.50 inches long. Bronson is the couple's first child. Grandparents are Chuck and Shellene Foster of Albany, Bill and Ann Deets of Blodgett, and George Evans of Oregon. Great-grandparents are Ray and Louraine Kerfoot of Redmond, Mike and Char Kingsbury of Salem, Francis Deets of Klamath Falls, and Lee and Dolly Evans of Albany.

Song for Bronson

Recently we had our photos taken by our friend from church, Doug Harms. He did a wonderful job and we were so happy with all of the pictures. In the words of his wife Dee, the slideshow that he made for us brought tears to our eyes. Everything goes together so well, including the song. I had never heard the song before...it shows that I haven't even listened to the radio since November because of being in the hospital. Anyways, I wanted to post this song for Bronson it says so much without going into a huge story.

Mark Harris -

Find Your Wings

From the album The Line Between The Two

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold

The plans that heaven has for you

Will all too soon unfold

So many different prayers I'll pray

For all that you might do

But most of all I'll want to know

You're walking in the truth

And If I never told you

I want you to knowAs I watch you grow

Chorus:

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams

And that faith gives you the courage

To dare to do great things

I'm here for you whatever this life brings

So let my love give you roots

And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind

That leads you through your days

And may conviction keep you strong

Guide you on your way

May there be many moments

That make your life so sweet

Oh, but more than memories

Chorus:

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky

I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

Chorus:

Such a simple song with so much to say...Thanks Doug for this wonderful photo session!!!

Mixed Emotions

Someone recently commented that I am very open on my blog. That is the purpose of this blog. That is why I ask that this blog is only shared with friends and family. Yes, I do consider my entire church my family. They have really been there for us during the past 7 years and Kyle and I feel so blessed to have such an extended family of people praying for us and supporting us during this difficult time.

I have to first tell of a wonderfully (is that a word) cute story. My co-worker Lance has a beautiful little girl, Brooke, that just turned 4 years old. When I came into work today Lance gave me a wonderful little gift from Brooke for Bronson. It is a drawing of several little faces of all different colors. When Lance asked her if the picture was of all the babies in the hospital, Brooke took a moment to say, "No, these are all the people praying for Baby Bronson." This story just melts my heart.

Recently I have been hitting an emotional brickwall. It is hard to explain my feelings. I am elated with joy each time I look at my son. Kyle said just the other day that the best part of his day is putting Bronson in between us and taking the time to admire our beautiful gift each night. Kyle and I have prayed with Bronson everynight since he was 2 days old. He knows the routine and holds each of our hands during these prayers. We have had a lot to pray for lately and even more to PRAISE our lovely God for. Our Savior has blessed us soooo much. In saying this I am also having a hard time with my struggle to understand everything that I have went through in the last year. I have sooo many mixed emotions.

Friday was a hard day for me. Our son turned 3 months old. I can't hardly believe it. I am so happy to see how big he has gotten since coming home from the hospital. He is now over 8 pounds and has gained 2 inches since leaving the hospital. As I celebrated his 3 month birthday I was overwhelmed with a deep sadness. I don't know what set it off exactly, but I missed my other little guy so much on Friday. I think part of it was that I was able to take some cute pics of Bronson in his 3 month t-shirt. When I put it on him I was reminded of a conversation that I had with my dear friend Kelleigh when I was pregnant. I remember her and I talking about me borrowing both sets of shirt from her and Alex. When I put the t-shirt on Bronson I was reminded that I no longer needed to get the other set. I know that things like this will happen more and more often through out this year, so please bare with me if you see me kind of down. I am so thankful that our son is happy and healthy, but that doesn't take away the deep pain of the loss of my other baby.

Lately I have been taking this blog and printing it out so that I can scrapbook this time for Bronson. I want him to have a journal of his time in the NICU, but also of a time in our lives that God prevailed and made us stronger. I want him to know that thousands of people have prayed for him and that he is a strong boy because of our GREAT GOD. I know that some of the journal entries may be sad, but I also know that honesty is the best policy between children and their parents.

Kyle and I hope and pray that our son never has to feel the pain of losing a child, but I am also realistic that tragedy hits everyone. I hope that pray that if he ever had to deal with something this painful that I could be strong enough to help him and remind him that God loves him so much. It would be easy for me to turn my back on God right now, but I look through this and realize that we as Christians must also go through tough times, we are not invicible to pain and heartache on Earth. I know that this blog is kind of rambled...I have been up for several hours past what I should be and wanted to get some of my thoughts down.

I have to say something that I might later edit, but for right now I need to get it out. I have some people lately do some VERY insensitive things to me in regards to my son Jackson. Please remember that he is my son and regardless of how long he was on Earth, he holds a piece of Kyle and my heart and forever will be a part of our family. I am not "lucky" to get to bring one baby home. I am blessed. I am not "Over" it, I never will be. The day that I gave birth to my boys I lost a little piece of my heart to Heaven. I miss him everyday, but I know that he is in a much better place. If you have questions that are appropriate, please ask...but please remember that he is not just "my other baby." His name is Jackson and he is my son. I have two babies, just one has wings watching over my other baby here on Earth. This is emotional, but it is from my heart.

Thanks for reading and keeping up on our life here at the Deets' Residence. We love all of you.

Just for Bronson

You now hold a piece of my heart that has never belonged to anyone else. You are loved so deeply by both me and your daddy that our heart aches when we see you in pain. You have been home less than a week and it seems that even with a true lack of sleep I am still in wonder of your beauty. People have always told me that you would love your own children with a love that cannot be described until you have one of your own. I now understand that more than words can compare.

I am still dealing with a lot of emotions. I am still griefing. I am still at a loss of words over many things that have happened in the last ten weeks since your birth, but I wouldn't trade you for anything. I am sorry that you had such a rough time coming into this world, but I know that you have made many friends and lifetime memories during this amazing journey. One day I will tell you your birth story and tell you about how you have made so many friends. I will also tell you that during your time in the NICU there were THOUSANDS of people praying for you. Churches all over the USA and family members in England were sending their prayers up to the heavens for you. We could feel these prayers each time you had a setback and then overcame it with gusto. You are a fighter. You are the most sweet baby boy I have ever laid eyes on.

As I write this little letter to you to let you know how much I love you, I glance over two inches and see your sweet sleeping face taking quick peeks at your mommy and I know that you love me too!!!!

Bronson, you are an amazing little baby and if I could give you anything in the world...It would be faith. Faith can move mountains!!!! Our faith in God has certainly moved mountains in these last couple of months. Being a Christian is not easy, nor does it keep you from receiving pain or going through hard times. Christ gives you hope, life, and love. A love that I cannot even begin to show you. When you think of how much mommy and daddy love you, times that by a million and you haven't even begun to see how much God loves you..

BRONSON IS HOME!!!!!

Can you see what breast milk can do for a premature baby? I am so proud of this chubby cheeked boy...I will post more on my experiences here, but I know that tons of people are waiting for new pictures. The bottom picture doesn't show his cuteness, but I wanted to show off his cheeks...

Look at the difference a month makes!!!!

My huge baby