Baby Boy Pictures

I don't have time to write much, but here is some much requested pictures of our beautiful baby boy...

Life Changes

hope that this blog works, so that I can get some of my feelings down on the computer. The last couple of days have been very difficult, yet at the same time some of the most precious times. I am starting to get into the routine of being a NICU mommy. Not an easy job, but I wouldn't trade being with my son for the world. Kyle is currently commuting back and forth from the Guest House to work. He said that he can't stand staying at our house away from Bronson and I. It is so cute how his hands look like they can't stand another minute of waiting to hold Bronson once he walks into the NICU. Bronson is such a good baby and instantly calms down and when either of us hold him.

I recently had someone ask me about what I did all day. One person even asked me if my days were boring...After evaluating this question I realized that many people can't even begin to imagine my situation. Just 10 days ago I gave birth to two heaven sent angels. Within an hour of having my c-section I had to say goodbye to my previously called home angel and then barely got a glance of my little Bronson before being wheeled back to my room and starting a journey of griefing and mothering through an isolette. For all of you that haven't thanked God for making you a parent, please take the time. I would love to be able to grab my kiddo and squeeze on him. Kyle and I say all the time that our biggest dream is having Bronson home so that we can see his entire body and look him over from head to toe. Our life with Bronson doesn't provide the opportunity to touch or hold him like most parents with newborns. Our one holding a day is the best part of our days. Yesterday I was lucky enough to get to hold my little man twice. It was the best part of my day.

In the midst of this journey I am reminded constantly how much I have been blessed. God gave me the most amazing husband. He is such an amazing man and husband. The only reason that I am able to even half act sane during this time is because I have such a wonderful husband. Kyle is also the best daddy in the world. I can't wait to see how he is with Bronson in all stages of our lives. Kyle and Bronson share this bond that I never thought would be even this big. Everyone told us that kids would change our lives, that was a total understatement. Bronson has made our marriage and life better than we could have ever imagined and we had a great marriage to begin with.

Many have recently asked about coming for a visit. Please call and make sure it is okay before driving down here. There are some major rules in regards to visitors and rather than you getting your feelings hurt, please allow me to share some of these rules.

1. No smokers
2. No one with small children, they carry germs that we don't know about until after they get sick
3. If you are sick or have been sick, please don't risk the chance we will send you home

We don't have these rules to be rude, we are PROTECTIVE parents. We are not OVERPROTECTIVE. We want our son to have the best chance as possible to get out of this NICU in the next six weeks. We don't want to be here for eight weeks. Please understand our rules as the need to make a safe haven for our baby boy.

I guess I better get going. I will write more later. I have so much on my heart. I can't even begin to describe the love I have for my little family. I am so blessed. Please keep praying. We can feel it and our baby boy loves prayers. We pray with him everynight before bed and he is sooo happy after hearing the precious name of Jesus on our lips. Love to all-Amber

Bronson William Deets

Our son has arrived. The next couple of months are going to be extremely hard, but with a little patience and love he is going to be the strongest boy ever. Stats are: Born at 3:08 pm on December 28, 2007. Weighs 2 pounds, 4 ounces. Length 13.5 inches. Here are a few pictures of our beautiful son...

Letter to Family and Friends

The other night I finally finished a letter that I have been meaning to write. Kyle and I both wanted to attach a letter to our thank-you notes from the shower. It wasn't an easy letter to write, but with some help from a website that I have been using quite a bit I was able to write a decent letter to our family and friends. I am still dealing with a lot of mixed emotions and it seems that everyday brings a different feeling across my life. Yesterday I was mixed with a deep and profound joy that I will be having a little baby soon to come home. Then a minute later I became terrified at the thought that anyone would mess or touch my other baby. I don't know if any other moms have experienced this feeling while pregnant, but I panic when I think of others even touching my babies after they are born...Is this a normal mommy feeling? I think it might stem from my whole experience, but also that I have been carrying these little ones in my tummy for almost seven months and I can't imagine them not being a part of me or right with me. Anyways, instead of getting on a tangent about all of my mixed up emotions, please read this letter and tell me what you think...

December 3, 2007


Dear Family and Friends,

As the very exciting day of the birth of our twins approaches, we are filled with the joy of anticipation. We recognize the many blessings that have come our way, and thank God with grateful hearts. We are also thankful for each of you, our family and friends. Your kindness and prayers have been an invaluable source of comfort and support. I want to thank you also your participation in my twin baby shower. This memory will last a lifetime for me and I am so grateful for all the wonderful gifts and wishes that I received. I am currently working on a memory box for our baby boy that will include all of our twin items and a journal that I have been keeping since I have been pregnant.

On November 20th, one week after my shower I learned the terrible news that one of our twins no longer had a heartbeat. I learned at this same appointment that our other baby was growing much better and that the doctors expect him to go close to full-term with no complications. For the wonderful six months that we reveled in the excitement of twins, the spirits of both babies were welcomed lovingly into our hearts and yours. This special summer will always be remembered fondly.

Upon hearing the news that we were no longer bringing home two boys, our doctor suggested that we discuss names for the babies and memorial options. We have decided that once both babies are born we will have a private memorial service for Kyle and I. We have also named both of our babies. Our healthy baby boy will be named, Bronson William Deets. We will call him “Beau” for short. This name is based on tradition and strength, which we would both like to raise our little one. Our little baby angel is named Jackson Ray Deets, after both my Grandpa Jack Hanson and Kyle’s Grandpa Ray Kerfoot. Both men hold very special spots in our hearts and we wanted a special name for Bronson’s guardian angel. In order to alleviate some of the grief that may overshadow the thrill and immense joy of delivery, we feel the need to formally offer prayers of love in memory of our special angel. Spiritually, Jackson has already arrived at his very special place in God's arms in heaven.

Thank you very much for your love and prayers, as we celebrate together both the upcoming joy of our baby's birth and the loving memory of his brother.

Love,
Amber & Kyle

Praise in a STORM

Warning...this is not one of those happy go lucky blogs that you will read and feel like bouncing around your house. I have a lot of emotions built up inside right now and I guess I feel that blogging is the best way to describe what I am feeling. The song that keeps coming into my head over and over again is "Praise in this Storm" by Casting Crowns. I love the song, but I truly never felt that in my present lifetime I would feel that my life would have any glimpse of comparison to the song. I never thought that I would experience having to deal with the death of a child. I cannot even begin to describe my feelings right now. I feel like maybe I just need to cry, but when I cry I remind myself that I need to stay strong for my healthy baby boy.

The terrible news came yesterday, but I had a bad feeling since I woke up Monday morning. Don't ask me how, but I knew that something very sad had taken place on Sunday evening. I will never forget that God gave me a brief moment to grief my little baby without me even knowing it. Kyle and I had a great day on Sunday spending time together and enjoying each other's company. We went over to see our new home and then once we got home and had hung out for a little I felt very tired. Kyle thought I was crazy to suggest going to be at 8:15, yet didn't argue. We both got ready for bed and then Kyle suggested that he hold me while we watch some of our favorite HGTV shows. At about 9pm I remember mentioning to Kyle that I needed him to hold me tighter because I had the overwhelming feeling of sadness for a moment. I can't even describe the moment, but I knew something was terribly wrong with someone. (I didn't know that at that moment my little baby perhaps breathed his last breath) Call it a mother's intuition, but I knew that there was a reason to be very sad. I didn't shed a tear, but it was like God prepared me for what was to come. All night long my husband just held me and we fell asleep. Monday morning when I woke up Kyle was in a great mood and I remember that he thanked me for having a special night with him.

Looking back now I realize that after Sunday evening I never felt our little one move again. I had a fairly slow day on Monday and decided to go to bed early again because I had my doctor's appointment in Eugene on Tuesday. Kyle wasn't able to go because he had taken the entire week before off because he was sick with the flu. My mom went with me. I knew instantly that something was wrong.

The sonographer was very impressed with Baby A's growth (no names made public yet) she kept mentioning yet again that they are quite impressed with the size of our baby's feet among other things. (Daddy has to be proud) Anyways, she slid the monitor across where I knew Baby B to be and she immediately began measuring his femur bone. When I asked what his heartbeat was, because I noticed that she had missed that first step, she hesitated. She said the words that I never thought I would have to hear, but she said, "Amber, I am sorry but I can't detect a heartbeat for your baby today." I was glad to have my mom there, because she knows that I need to keep busy and after I cry I need to be left alone. She went into total nurse mode, but then I had to wait about an hour for the doctor to come talk to me because he was already counseling another patient in the room next to mine. (God needed more angels in Heaven) Anyways, to make the medical language short and sweet I will give the short version of what has to happen now. I will be still delivering twin boys, however I get to take one home and God has already welcomed our little one home with Him. Kyle and I haven't decided exactly what to do yet for our baby and also whether or not we will publicize his name yet, but we will be naming him and will be doing something to honor our son.

I appreciate prayers and support right now. This is going to be a difficult next three months. Lots of people know that I was pregnant with twins and it is only right that when they see me they ask how my boys are doing. I just have to be strong when I answer that I know they are both fine, but explain that one is now in Heaven. I will have the chance to see him on earth for a brief visit, but I don't want his death to overshadow the wonderful blessing that God is also going to give us a living breathing wonderful baby boy. I guess to end with the song that I said had been going over and over in my head. I guess that my choice to praise God in this storm stems from the blessings that he has given me. He loves Kyle and I enough to trust us with a precious life and for whatever amount of time we get to spend with that miracle we are truly blessed. I feel strong sadness when I think of the millions of women that struggle to conceive or go through this with single births and don't get the opportunity to bring home a baby. I just remain convinced that my other son will do fine and come home to be loved by his mommy and daddy on earth.

Thanks for letting me vent blogworld. I may write more later, but for now I needed to get my thoughts down before I let them blend into this pregnancy related forgetfulness.

Home Sweet Home

Well other news. We are buying a house. We close on the 15th of this month and won't get possession until the 18th. Our plan is to have hardwood floors installed that next month and be able to start moving in the weekend after Thanksgiving. We are super excited about this little adventure and feel so blessed to be able to buy this home. Everything has went so smoothly and it has really helped to have such good friends helping us through this journey. Our great friend Amy has made this experience so easy and really dealt with a lot from my dear husband. I think that we have probably looked at over 20 houses, but I know that we are making the best decision. This will be affordable for us and also allow for me to not stress too much about work once our little babies get here.

The Expected Miracle

I decided to coin the title from one of our Associate Pastor's most recent sermons. This last one really impacted me. One comment that really stuck with me is why are we so surprised when God performs miracles? Why do we keep asking God to show us a miracle or losing faith when it doesn't seem to be working out our way? If we look back we will be able to note many instances of miracles being made by God. I could really go into the whole sermon that he did, but I guess that mostly I needed to hear that I need to take a moment out of my day and thank Jesus for what He has done for me.

I haven't written in this blog for awhile, so I guess the first bit of news is that we are not pregnant with just one little blessing, but are expecting two little boys. Kyle and I are so very excited for these little guys to come. God is sooo great. When I heard the phrase the expected miracle it made me take a moment to think of where I was just a year ago. I remember laying in our bed one night crying my eyes out after finding out that yet another friend of mine was pregnant. I had been told just six months after getting married that I had a severe case of Endometriosis and that if we didn't try to get pregnant soon there might not ever be a chance for us to have kids. Well, instead of following my husband's example and being led by faith I began to believe that I would never have kids. I became very angry that my husband kept pushing the idea of having kids to the side. I thought that he was basically playing rush and roulette. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of a trial that I would go through to see that God really does answer prayer and that if you fully rely on God he will answer your prayers.

Every time that I would have one of my melt downs my husband would gently rub my back and tell me that regardless of how I was feeling that he knew deep down that God would provide us with children the way that He saw fit. He never got upset or told me that I was being unreasonable, he just kept saying...Now, is not the time Amber!!! God will let us know when it is His time. Well, it was probably about a year ago that I let this get to a huge ugly head. I was really depressed so many people were popping up pregnant. I had a little niece on the way and I was totally excited, but wondered if I would ever experience the same joy. My husband kept telling me, I am still praying and we will have kids.

Well, look at our miracle today. We weren't entirely trying to have children and then boom on the same day that our house sold we found out that God had given us a miracle. I was soooo overwhelmed to find out that I was pregnant. Four weeks later when we found out that we were pregnant with twins, Kyle said the most amazing thing to me. (He still wasn't entirely ready to start a family.) He leaned over in the car and said, "Well, I guess that our babies will really know that they were planned. God planned all of this. Not only did He want us to have a baby, but he has blessed us with two little babies, just like you always wanted. Isn't God amazing?" Kyle was overjoyed at the prospect of having two babies.

Finding out that we are having boys has made this journey even more amazing. I always assumed that I would only have girls, so I was really shocked to find out that we are having two little boys. I am already referring to them as the boys!!! I can't wait for them to come. I just have to once again say that God is sooo good to us!!!