Bronson at 13 months: January 2009

Bronson is now 13 months old. He spent his little day in the doctor's office trying to figure out what is wrong with him. I never hesitate to take him to the doctor's if he is not feeling well. I was just sure that he had an ear infection, but to our dismay he has his first real live COLD. Yes, I think I have complained about him having the sniffles before, but this is a big one. It sucks!!! I haven't been this sleep deprived since he was born. My whole body aches for sleep. I am going to be taking my MIL up on her offer to hold him Saturday night so that I can sleep. She loves him so much and I don't doubt that he will be getting some rest in her arms, while I get some rest in a big comfy bed.

Well, I am no longer sending out emails with Bronson's stats, so I will now be giving his monthly stats on this blog. I have to admit this month has seen some great strides in development and it seems that he is becoming such a big boy all of the sudden. With his big boy personality has come some major tantrums. His always easy going personality is going out the window, he is getting quite demanding and at times a little naughty. Yes, a baby can be naughty especially when he wants something that he can't have. Hence, example #1 and #2 on my kitchen counter: two broken candlesticks courtesy of Bronson William Deets and yes, I did use his full name when he broke the second one. I wasn't mad at him, but I really wish he would leave stuff alone. My house looks so bare because I had to totally babyproof aka toddler proof.

Here are his updates:

• Weighs 19 pounds, 6 ounces



• Height 27 3/4 inches long



• New favorite word MAMA (I love it)



• Favorite food: crackers



• Learned how to crawl and walk all in the same day



• Cruises by holding wall with one hand and then letting go to get to bigger and better things



• Is obsessed with electronics and knows how to use the remote



• Now requires us to pull him on blanket to put him to sleep



• Favorite Person: Daddy

I hope that you enjoy the video, pardon the background noise. We were watching a movie that I would not recommend, the language was horrible!!!!

No Longer Miss Independent

Recently a great friend of mine, Jamie Davis-Woodard came down for a visit. I was SO happy to see her. We don't get to see each other that often, but when we do it seems like not a day has passed since our last visit. She was the only one of my friends in my wedding. We didn't want anyone to feel left out and it made it easier to have her instead of choosing between my high school friends. I can still remember the day that we met in college. She just turned towards me in one of our many health classes and said, "Hi, my name is Jamie...you look like a cool person, do you wanna hang out?" That is just the type of person she is. She is probably one of my most analytical and wild friends that I have and I just love her.

Anyways, during her visit we were having a long talk about that changes in her life since marriage and the changes in my life since Bronson. She made a strong statement that has got me thinking a lot. She said that it seems that ever since Kyle and I had Bronson we seem more like a couple than two individuals. She said that she had always admired our ability to live two individual lives, but felt that Bronson had been just what we needed to make our relationship more of as one rather than two ones running around.

I happen to agree with her completely. When people ask if your relationship changes after kids, I would say definitely. How can it not? For Kyle and I it has made a life change in our relationship. I didn't think that we could ever be closer, but we have become so much closer since the birth of our boys. I realize now that before I had Bronson I did mostly my own thing and same with Kyle. We still loved each other, but we spent most of the time doing stuff individually. We now feel more like a family should feel like. I feel that those first four years were necessary for us to grow as individuals, yet I am so happy for this chapter in my life. I am also happy that we have a strong foundation to carry our marriage through all chapters of life. Having children has truly made the spark come back in our relationship and watching Kyle with Bronson makes me fall in love with him over and over again on a daily basis.

Thanks Jamie for pointing out this change in my life. I am so happy that you are beginning your new chapter of marriage in your life.

A Quick Change

I changed the look of my blog to make it easier to read. I hope that you enjoy. It was getting harder to read, so I thought this might help.

Goodbye Little Sister

Hair done by Nanny Ashee
Wardrobe by Auntie

Ash and GI JOE

Bronson playing with his toy from Auntie SHE SHE (Yes, she has lots of nicknames)

I will never forget these past two months. I didn't know at times if I could get through it, but we did and I am so glad that we had the opportunity to have my sister, Ashley live with us for awhile. We have been able to really sit down and talk. Bronson has gotten to have lots of special cuddle time in the wee hours of the morning and I have been able to build a closer bond with my little sister.

There was a time in our lives that Ash and I weren't very close, but in the past couple of years we have gotten really close. I am sure going to miss her during this new journey in her life. I am already going to be counting down the days until May. I know that she won't be gone forever, but it is going to be hard to have her several states away. Good luck Nanny Ash!!! Bronson is already pointing his chubby little finger towards your room wondering where you went. We will be praying that all your dreams come true. We love you!!!!

Feeling better...

In the past couple of weeks I had been having a hard time with feeling super lonely. I think that part of this is because I had been feeling like I never had any time to work on my friendships. I felt that I was always having to cancel or change plans because of family obligations or for fear that Bronson might get sick from my friends' kids. Things have been slowly getting better. Kyle and I are getting less scared that our son is going to constantly catch something and I have been making more time for myself. (Without feeling guilty)

Tonight was wonderful!!! I left Bronson with Matt for a little bit until Kyle came to hang out with him, while Alex and I went out to a very yummy dinner. It was so nice to be able to catch up. It is also nice to be reminded that I do have great friends that live in Dallas. I am thankful that I am beginning to feel like myself again. I promise for all of you that read this that I have been flaky to in the past year, I am slowly starting to feel better and will be more available this year. I feel that making this effort is going to start changing things for me.

The best thing about being pregnant...

is not having to worry about child care. NOOOOO, I am not pregnant. I have just been having this thought lately that I am so tired of always worrying about where Bronson is going to be while I am at work. I had been contemplating going back to work full-time, but the thought of him in child care makes me go crazy. Our new solution is that I am continuing to work part-time until June and then we will make a more permanent decision. As for now, God answered our prayers and our dear friend, Amy Bertolini is going to be watching Mr. Boo on Wednesday for us. I just love having great friends that love my son so much!!!

Bottles

I wanted to make a quick note about a small thing with Bronson. My son doesn't hold his own bottle. He is able to hold his own bottle, but chooses not to. Does this bother me? NO!!! My mom mentioned this earlier this week that she had just realized that he was over a year old and still didn't hold his own bottle. I reminded her that I was well aware of this and didn't find a problem with it. When he wants to do something himself he will easily lift his sippy cup up for drinks or get a quick drink from his bottle when I am not watching.

To me, feeding your baby is one of the best experiences in the world. Unfortunately because of Bronson's prematurity he has never been a nursing baby. He gets all the benefits of breast milk straight from a bottle. I just take all of these feeding moments as a bonding time that I get the benefit of having. The only time that his lack of holding his own bottle bothers me is when we are traveling long distances and I have to pull over or sit beside him to hold his bottle. He cracks me up on his stubbornness!!! Also just a side note there are no plans to break the bottle habit any time soon. He is too little.

Christmas with Jesus

As I begin this post, my hope is that you wouldn't shake your head and ask when is she going to stop posting things like this. I can't help but use this as my online form for venting and getting through this journey. As I have said before, I will not get over it, but I hope to get through it and do better each day. I have spent this morning reflecting on the past holidays and all of the wonderful things that we were able to do with Bronson. He is such an amazing little guy. He has been adding lots of stress to Kyle and I lately with his lack of sleep, but we still continue to relic in all the joy he brings to our life.

I forgot to post earlier about a small outing that Ann, Bill, and I had on Christmas morning. This was a sobering event. I never thought that I would be joining them in leaving Christmas trees on Lindsay's grave, (one for Jackson and one for Lindsay) but we all made the journey up to Blodgett Cemetery to pay our respects to our little angels. I had a quick conversation with my friend Heather a few days before Christmas and I remember saying that she shouldn't worry about Jackson receiving gifts on Christmas, because he had the best gift of all. He got to be with Jesus celebrating His birthday!!! It was nice to take that small moment and reflect that God gets us through this hard times and does provide healing. I find myself constantly feeling a strong sense of peace when I picture Jackson up in heaven being taken care of by his Aunt Lindsay. I don't know what heaven is like, but it provides me comfort to think of him being with family and more importantly with his Heavenly father.

I was reading a blog today about another stillborn baby, Branson Call. His mommy had posted this poem in regards to their Christmas celebration and I felt the need to share it. This poem could apply to any of your angels, but I find it especially peaceful.

Spending Christmas with Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
for I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

I’ll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your Spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!

--Author Unknown--

Why?

Do I have to be reminded all the time with little things of my loss. Today at work I wanted to listen to some music on pandora.com (great site) and I couldn't remember my password. I did the email reminder to get my password and it flashed up on the screen. I had to take a quick second and catch my breath. It seems that during my pregnancy everything revolved around my babies and my password was babies...why? I had this happen the other day too when I tried to log onto a mommy site. It was twins with a #. Little things sometimes can be so frustrating. It just reminds me that at the beginning of my pregnancy I was so excited and full of hope. I need to remember this feeling daily to remind myself that God will provide. It seems that I use this saying several times a day to get through days like this...

Birthday Pictures

The date is wrong, 12-28-08 One Year's Old!!!!

Bronson and George the Monkey

All Ready for Cake

These two crack me up, Ayden and Bronson

Giddy up, Let's go Livie

Opening his cards

Eating his cupcake

Some more cake, he did so good

Best buds, Ayden and Bronson

Deets Family

Five minutes after everyone left, Nana put him to sleep

The monkey cake that I made, these were good...

December 28, 2008: Bronson's1st Birthday

Yeah, Bronson is ONE!!!!

Bronson,

You are such an amazing little guy. Each day that I get to be your mommy I am overwhelmed by the deep and indescribable love that I have for you. You are such a special little guy. I woke up the morning of your birthday and felt very strongly that the day was going to be full of celebration. Yes, we were celebrating the day of your birth, but more importantly the fact that you are an answer to my biggest prayer. I have always wanted to be a mommy and you are such a wonderful son. I am so happy to have you in my life. A few things that you should remember about your first birthday...we spent the morning taking professional pictures with your cousin, Olivia. We then tried to get you to take a nap, but you wouldn't. We threw you a gigantic birthday party where you were surrounded by 50 of your closest family and friends. Everyone loves you little man. Your birthday theme was Curious George. Daddy and I call you our little monkey man, because of your fondness for monkeys and your curious personality. We were so overwhelmed with all of the people that attended your party. We were once again reminded of the support that we have in raising you. You will always be provided an ample amount of love and attention from your family and friends. Mommy was deeply touched when two of your aunties made very special gifts. One a plate with all of your NICU pictures and the other a card written for your brother Jackson. I was glad that she recognized that you have a brother. I do not want you to live in the shadow of Jackson, yet I want you to know that you are an answer to prayer and such a miracle. Bronson, you amaze me. Continue to grow and strive for success!!! You intensity and affection are one of a kind!!! I love you Baby!!!

Love your mommy

For all of you:

-18 pounds, 3 ounces
-27 1/4 inches long (More than double his birth height)
-He says lots of words, but his favorite is da-da
-He loves to kiss and hug his family
-He has just started trying milk and is doing SOOO Good!!!
-His favorite activity in all the world is playing with daddy.
-He doesn't like car rides and requires someone to sit in back with him
-He doesn't crawl, but cruises all over the house

December 27, 2008

A special place
12-27-2008, Let's chose the path that God has led us

Proud parents of Bronson and Jackson, 5th anniversary 12-27-08

12-27-03

Marks our 5th wedding anniversary. Kyle and I had a surprisingly wonderful anniversary celebration despite the agenda of the day. I couldn't imagine my life without Kyle by my side. He is such a wonderful person and makes me want to be a better person. I am so happy that God led me to be Kyle's wife. He always makes me feel special and loved. We have had a really rough last year, but continue to be strong in our faith and deep love for each other.

We chose to spend our anniversary spreading the ashes of our precious son, Jackson. I was very anxious for the day; hoping that the weather would not spoil our plan. God once again provided for us and let us have an extremely intimate and wonderful experience. Kyle and I first visited the location of where he proposed to me December 22, 2001 (Cape Foulweather) and then decided to find a location that would be close in proximity to that site, yet very private. It was amazing that we were led to an extremely peaceful part of the Oregon Coast and were the only ones on the beach as we shared a very special moment. I was overcome with love for my husband as he led us in prayer for thanksgiving of our angel Jackson and for God giving us the opportunity to raise Bronson in a Christian home. Kyle poured his heart out as we walked hand in hand into the deep and freezing ocean to release Jackson's precious ashes. I am so happy with our decision and feel at peace with this extremely important day.

I am glad that we chose our anniversary to release Jackson's ashes. God is providing both of us with such healing in our time of sorrow. The day went very smoothly and I have felt a small part of closure in this process of grief. Thanks again for all of your prayers; we are so blessed to have such a supportive group of family and friends.